Happy

Wow.

So it's been 2.5 months since I took my son and moved out of the home I shared with my husband. It's hard to believe it's already been almost 3 months, it feels like much longer but at the same time it feels like I just blinked and here I am.

I can't even begin to explain the feeling of relief I've had, the feeling of complete and utter happiness. I'd like to try to explain the situation without going too far into detail and destroying anyone's privacy.

Let's just say the situation with my husband had gotten out of hand. Really gotten out of hand. It was nothing but constant, and I do mean constant, yelling and fighting and screaming and cursing and just downright disrespect and abuse. Not the kind of environment that is ideal to be raising a toddler in. Not the kind of environment where I was ok raising my toddler.

Of course we were that way long before we had Caden, but I put up with it and just dealt with it because I refused to fail, I did not want to be another statistic. Another young divorcee. I didn't want people to look down on me, I was really afraid of what they'd think and what they'd say.

But the beauty of having a child and becoming a mother is that you learn to let go of that kind of thing, you become much more selfless because you have to begin making big decisions not based on your OWN comfort and well being, but that of your child. And that is what I did. Being abused is one thing, fighting with, being torn down by and also tearing down another person is something awful when you're alone but it's certainly not something you want your child to grow up seeing.

I would much rather my son grow up in a stable and happy home alone with his mother, seeing his stable and happy father alone on weekends, than raise him in a home where both parents are just angry and abusive to one another on a daily basis. What would I have been teaching him if I'd stayed? That it's ok for Daddy to hurt Mommy? And it's ok for Mommy to take that kind of abuse from Daddy simply because she wants to hold a marriage together because of her pride? That's not what I want my son to get out of life. I want him to learn how to be a whole person. I want him to see me in a good relationship some day with a good man who will treat me right and set a good example for him. And the same with his father. I want Caden to see him happy with a woman he will treat well, who will treat him well in return. I want my son to see his parents happy and functioning so that he can learn to do the same.

Since I moved here I've felt so alive. I've felt so free and happy. And I don't mean the type of freedom that you'd feel simply because you are getting a divorce. I mean freedom to be happy, to be myself without constant ridicule from the one person who should support me above all others. Freedom to feel, to love, and to smile again. I will be honest, I only cried once about the entire situation. I cried the day I left for about 15 minutes in my car. But I haven't looked back a day since. It just feels as if my world is finally right, like until now it's been slightly off on its axis or something. Something just wasn't fitting right.

And now I know, I was just living a life that I wasn't meant to live with a person who I wasn't meant to live it with. Something beautiful came from that life, yes, I got the most wonderful and beautiful child a mother could ask for from it. But maybe that's all it was meant to be. Maybe God has a special purpose for my son and he knew things had to happen just the way they did in order for him to get here.

I do know that I'm on the right path now. Maybe I'm not doing every little thing I should, maybe I'm not in the perfect place with God. But I know my life is headed in the right direction. I've felt it since I packed the last box into that car and pulled out of that driveway. There's just a beautiful calm inside my heart that I've never felt before. A calm that tells me all is well and all is right. And there's a spark of joy in my son now that I've never seen before. A spark that I'm sure was simply suppressed by the negativity and the the hurt and anger he was constantly surrounded by in that house in Alabama. But it's there now, and it's so beautiful, SO so beautiful. I can't describe the way it feels to see my child so happy and to know that it's because I made the right decision for him and for us.

No one will convince me that I'm wrong. I know that God frowns upon divorce. But the Bible gives a couple of situations where divorce is ok, and I have certainly experienced them. I fought with myself for a long time making excuses and telling myself God doesn't like divorce. But the bottom line is, God doesn't like to see his children hurt and disrespected either, and he doesn't expect us to put up with abuse and infidelity for our entire lives. Or to teach our children that it's ok to live that way and take that kind of disrespect from someone who is supposed to love you.

God is ok with my decision, I know that. I feel it deep inside my soul as cheesy as that may sound. But it's absolutely true. I was so broken and so damaged by that relationship that I literally feel as if it never happened. I was pushed so far that I no longer even feel like I was ever a part of that marriage. When I sit and think about it, it honestly feels like something that must have happened ages ago. It feels good to look forward to the future and have a blank canvas for once. Not a canvas filled with promises of continued abuse and pain. Now I'm free to paint the picture I want for my son and myself. A happy and stable picture with limitless horizons and endless choices that we can make together.

For the first time in my life, I am happy.

Listen close as we wait for a sound to go





It's true, we are
we are destined to fail
It's true, we are
we are destined to fail

There is a problem here with our society
The absence of my tears is my sobriety
I have a growing fear and you're not helping me
Am I the only one who realizes it's true?

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

You're persecuting me, showing hypocrisy
I have a remedy for your insecurity
It's all the same, sadly, nobody works for free
Am I the only one who realizes it's true

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can't release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

When I dream, I see dawn turn into dusk, into dusk

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can't release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

It's true, we are
we are destined to fail
It's true, we are
we are destined to fail

A Reminder

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean."
- Bob Marley

The End.

I guess I'll finally sit down and write at least a little about our situation. You asked me to listen to this song and I do have to agree that it's completely accurate considering our life together. As I type this I'm sad but also relieved. I think we both want and deserve so much better out of life. You were right all those times you said we were too young, we were. It took so long for me to admit that. It was so hard to say it's true, but now that I've said so there's no taking it back and denying it. We've been together since we were 14 years old. "What a shame" some would say about us ending this. I know, I used to say the same. It would be a shame to let go of all these years together, it would be a waste of 7 years. But that's wrong. It was certainly not a waste. We've learned so much about how not to live and how not to treat people. We've learned to let go of something wrong and unhealthy. We were so wrong about so many things.
I was wrong for making you hold on for so long. You don't see that now, maybe. But you're sad and you're hurting, as am I. In time we'll look back and be able to smile at the good times and acknowledge that this is for the best. It's not healthy to keep living the kind of life that we were. Not for us or for our son. If we continued to be together, to yell at each other, to disrespect each other as we have, what would we be teaching him? That it's normal for Mommies and Daddies to fight all the time? That you don't have to love someone to stay with them? Or worse, that you don't have to respect the one you love and choose to spend your life with. I don't want any of that for him. For a long time I wanted to keep us together so that he'd have a "normal" and "whole" family, a father and a mother there for him in a singular home. But I see the error of that now. I think it's much better for him to have a healthy happy home with his mother and a separate one with his father instead. I'd rather him be around two healthy and happy people separately than around to miserable and severely unhealthy people together. And I know you want the same for him, I know you love him that much.
This isn't easy for either of us, it's scary, it hurts, and it's very difficult to do. But I think that at this point it is necessary. And I know that getting over this and getting through it will be very hard, but I also know that bigger and better things await us in life. God has so much more planned for us. We will always hold a special place in each others' hearts, we were first loves, first everything really. We were together for such a long time, and we probably know each other better than anyone else may ever know us. We will always love each other on a certain level, but it's time we say goodbye and stop trying to fix something that is broken beyond repair. I think God has given us many signs and signals along the way, that we were fighting too much and too hard for something that He never meant to be. But in our selfishness and anger we ignored Him. I'm glad now to be listening to Him, and I know that a part of you is too. I know that we both agree this is for the best, and I can't tell you how much of a relief it is that we aren't doing this bitterly. That we will be able to do this on a mature adult level to make a better life for each other and for our child. After all, he is what's most important.
I'm sad to say goodbye, but I'm glad that I will always be able to call you my friend and the father of my son. You are a wonderful person, there are so many good qualities in you. We've just grow into two completely different people and we're just not who we used to be. We're not two kids anymore, we're adults and so we can acknowledge our mistakes and right them. I think we're both still in love with the person we fell in love with 7 years ago, and neither of us is that person anymore. We've experienced so much more of life and it's made us into these two people. Wonderful people, but people who are too different to continue their lives together.
It hurts to see you hurting, and I'm sad to let this go, but I know that this is what we should have done all along. I will always care for you, I will always pray for you, you will always be with me in my heart and in my son.

Passive

Dead as dead can be
My doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your RIGHT and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (×4)
You're better off this (×2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

When Christ Gives a Command

Devotional for March 21st

When Christ Gives a Command
"And He sent out two of His disciples and said to them, "Go into the city . . ." - Mark 14:13


The two disciples were given very detailed instructions to go to a certain town and look for a particular man performing a specific task. He would have a large room, furnished and ready to observe the Passover. These instructions might have seemed unusual had it not been their Lord speaking, but the two disciples obeyed and found everything just as Jesus had said. Jesus knew exactly what they would find, and so He guided them specifically. One of the most memorable and precious times the disciples would spend with their Teacher hinged on the obedience of these two.
Obedience to Christ's commands always bring fulfillment. When the Lord gives you instructions, obey immediately. Don't wait until you have figured it all out and everything makes perfect sense to you. Sometimes God will lead you to do thing that you will not fully understand until after you have done them. He does not usually reveal all the details of His will when He first speaks to you. Instead, He tells you enough so you can implement what He has said, but He withholds enough information so that you must continue to rely upon His guidance. Your response will affect what God does next in your life. Your obedience may affect how others around you experience Christ as well. If there is any directive God has given you that you have not obeyed, obey that word immediately and watch God's perfect plan unfold in your life.


************************************************

I've been feeling God asking something of me for a while. But being deaf and blind the way I have been, I wasn't receiving His full message. I'm still not, but it's certainly getting clearer the more I pray and read. I know that part of what He wants of me is to find out who I am, and to start taking care of myself. I'm realizing that there are situations in life where we have to be selfish, we have to put ourselves above some of the ones in our lives we've almost been idolizing by going above and beyond for them. There's a difference between loving and caring for someone and loving too much. I've been reading a lot, I've felt that God is pulling me to, and I'm learning so much about who I am and why I am. And how I can change and become a better person. God has put an amazing person in my life to help guide me and remind me of what my purpose is. And it's not to continually take abuse and pain from someone. It's not to be disrespected and to keep silent to avoid further fights. My purpose is to recover, and become a healthy and whole, functioning human being. In doing this, in obeying this command I am in turn affecting others. I will become a better wife and a better mother because I will know who I am, I will finally have a sense of self and I will be stronger. I will no longer be a codependent helpless person.
I know if nothing else, that God's intention is for me to grow, and I fully intend to do that.

Why Do You Doubt?

Devotional for March 20th

Why Do You Doubt?
"Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. -Matthew 8:25-26

It is by faith that God's mighty power is released into the life of a Christian (Heb. 11:33-35). The fact that you have doubts indicates that you do not know God as you should. If your prayer life is infiltrated with doubts, you have denied yourself the greatest single avenue of power that God has made available to you. Without faith it is impossible to please God ( Heb. 11:6). God never comforts you in your doubt. Jesus consistently rebuked those who would not believe Him. He had revealed enough of Himself for His disciples to have believed Him in their time of need.
God wants to build your understanding of Him until your faith is sufficient to trust and obey Him in each situation (Mark 9:23-25). The moment you turn to Him with a genuine commitment to rid yourself of doubt, God will match your doubt with a revelation of Himself that can convince you of His faithfulness. When Thomas doubted, Jesus revealed Himself to him in such a way that every doubt vanished (John 20:27). You can only resolve your lack of faith in God's presence. He must reveal Himself in such a way that any doubt you might have is removed. Jesus did this with His disciples. He involved them in a consistent, growing relationship with Himself. Jesus took them through teaching, to small miracles, to large miracles, and to the resurrection. Jesus knew that the redemption of the world rested on His disciples' believing Him. What does God want to do in the lives of those around you that waits upon your trust in Him and the removal of your doubts?



************************************************


How fitting that this should be the devotional I read just days after God has put an amazing brother into my life who has essentially been telling me this same thing. There should be no doubts, and when doubt is present nothing will change, one can not grow. God will not comfort you in your doubt, why should He? If you don't have enough faith to trust in Him, why should he have to try harder to make you believe? He won't and He shouldn't. I've been in and out of this funk lately, I've been very confused about major life decisions, and all because I have let my faith falter. I've doubted my Father and taken my trust back. I'm not entirely sure of what He's doing in my life and so I got scared and withdrew my faith. That's the exact opposite of what we should do. If I've learned nothing else lately, it's that God doesn't reveal His entire plan to us right away, He wants us to need Him and trust Him.
He's waiting on my trust right now, and I'm learning how to let go of me, one day at a time, and put a little more trust in Him. I know that until I put my complete trust in Him I will not continue to grow. I won't always get to know everything that's going down and everything that He is doing in my life, and coming from an ACOA background, a background where I was taught to always be in control, that's scary for me. But it's scarier to me to entertain the idea of life without Him, so I am doing my best to let go.

After all, there's beauty in the breakdown.

;)

Buggaboo (Bugaboo)

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=safari&rls=en&defl=en&q=define:bugaboo&ei=BYamS_2EEJC1tgeAi-WmCg&sa=X&oi=glossary_definition&ct=title&ved=0CAYQkAE

Thank yoooooou, Kolby.

Let Go

"Let Go"

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]

[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

You DESERVE to be here.

"You DESERVE to be here"

I read that quote in the book Perfect Daughters last night and it really hit my heart. I DO deserve to be here, and so that's how I'm starting my day today.

Deserving life.

=]

I feel like I've been incredibly blind for such a long time always having such a negative opinion of myself and lacking self esteem. There ARE some pretty great things about me! And if people don't like me for the wonderful person God created me to be, then the problem lies within them, not me. I am a kind person, I love to help people, I love to listen. I'm always there for those I love, even when it's hard for me to be. I will go above and beyond for the people that I care about. I'm loving, I'm sensitive, I'm creative, I'm funny. I'm pretty darn great. =]

And of course I'm not saying any of this to be conceited, I am in recovery.

If you knew my life as an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) you would understand.

I'm only just now, in year 21, learning who I am, learning to love myself. Finally after all this time accepting myself and my mistakes, the good parts and the bad parts of me.

I'm GROWING.

Physically, mentally, spiritually.

And it feels so amazing.

=]

God's Provision Brings Glory

Devotional for March 18th.

God's Provision Brings Glory
"Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." - Psalm 50:15

Did you know that you bring glory to God by calling upon Him when you are in distress? God promised He would deliver you if you turned to Him. You deny the Lord honor that is rightfully His every time you find yourself in difficulty and you fail to call upon Him for help! There may be times when God allows you to reach a point of need so that you can call upon Him, and thus let Him demonstrate to a watching world the difference He makes in the lives of His children. If God never allowed you to experience need, people around you might never have the chance to witness God's provision in the life of a Christian. If you never faced a shortfall, you might be tempted to feel self-sufficient and without any need of God in your daily life.
Pride will tempt you to think that you don't need to seek God's assistance. Self-regard will seek to convince you that you can handle your dilemma through your own wisdom, resources, and hard work. Pride will also rob glory from God and seek to give it to you. Don't allow your pride to take what rightfully belongs to the Lord. Call upon your Lord and wait exclusively upon Him to rescue you. Then give Him the glory that He deserves.
Self-sufficiency can greatly hinder your ability to experience God and bring Him honor. The next time you are in distress, turn to Him!

****************************************************

I don't know about you, whoever you may be, but in my life I know I've found it hard to turn to God at times simply out of guilt. Likely out of pride as well, but more often out of the feeling of guilt. Why guilt, you ask? Because I've often felt that I was only calling on Him when I needed Him instead of constantly praising Him. I felt that He might resent me for that and not help me. So imagine my relief when I read this particular devotional. =]
It doesn't matter if you and God haven't spoken in minutes, days, months, or years. What matters is that you DO call on Him. He wants us to call on Him, to ask His assistance, to let Him know that we need Him and to give Him all the glory and honor He deserves.
So don't feel pride, don't feel guilt, just allow yourself to feel LOVE for Him and ask Him for help when you need Him and especially when you think you don't.

=]

<3

Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
(Don't drop your arms)
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

A Little Wisdom

My best friend recently introduced me to a book called "Perfect Daughters." It's a book about children, specifically daughters, of alcoholic parents and what effects it has on you as a person. It explores everything from your self esteem to parenting style. And it's been a real eye opener for me on so many levels. I don't believe in blaming people, and I certainly don't blame my parents, but depending on what point in your life you were introduced to your parents' alcoholism, it really effects certain aspects of your personality and who you become. Of course once you realize this the power to change is in your hands. It's really good to know why I act a certain way, why I lack self esteem, why I used to be so shy, why it is so hard for me to trust and why I am in the relationship I'm currently in.
Anyway, enough about that, I'm sure I'll post more about it later. The point is I've actually ordered some more books that "Perfect Daughters" mentions and uses quotes from. One of them is called "Women Who Love Too Much." It's a book about women who are addicted to relationships, or more specifically certain people. Which is yet another effect of being raised by alcoholic parents, being drawn to emotionally and spiritually unavailable men and people. I also ordered the daily meditation version of this book, I haven't started reading the actual book but I thought it important to catch up to today's current date in the daily meditation version. These are a few that stood out for me:

February 7:
When you stop taking care of him and take care of yourself instead, the man in your life may become very angry and accuse you of not caring about him anymore. This anger generates from his panic at having to become responsible for his own life. As long as he can fight with you, make you promises, or try to win you back, his struggle is outside, with you, and not inside with himself. Give him back his life, and take back your own.
(Even in just the feeble attempts I've made at healing for myself, I've already experienced this one.)

February 11:
When a woman who loves too much gives up her crusade to change the man in her life, he is then left to ponder the consequences of his own behavior. Since she is no longer frustrated and unhappy, but rather is becoming more and more excited about life, the contrast to his own troubled existence intensifies. No matter what he then chooses to do, by accepting the man in her life exactly as he is, a woman becomes free, one way or another, to live her own life --- happily ever after.

February 12:
Forgiving doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be hurt again; it means, among other things, detaching so that we don't take another's actions toward us so personally.
Far from making us weak people who can be stepped on by others, forgiveness frees us so that we never have to allow ourselves to be treated badly again.

March 16:
Very few of us who love too much have a conviction, at the core of our being, that we deserve to love and be loved simply because we exist. We believe instead that we harbor terrible faults or flaws and that we must do good works in order to make up for this. We live with guilt that we have these shortcomings and in terror of being found out. We work very, very hard at trying to appear to be good because we don't believe we are.



I will likely add more as I find ones that I feel pertain to me and my life and those in my life.

God's Measure for Forgiveness

God's Measure for Forgiveness
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

Perhaps you consider yourself a forgiving person, but are now facing someone whom you cannot forgive. Whenever you struggle to forgive, you need to revisit what you were like when God first forgave you. Ephesians 2 indicates that you were a "foreigner" and a "child of wrath." Yet God forgave your most grievous sin and rebellion against Him. While you were still rejecting God, Christ died for you (Rom. 5:8). This being so, how can you refuse to forgive those who sin against you? Forgiveness is not a spiritual gift, a skill, or an inherited trait. Forgiveness is a choice. Jesus looked down on those who had ruthlessly and mockingly nailed Him to a cross, yet He cried out: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). How then can we refuse to forgive those who have committed offenses against us?
Jesus said that the measure in which we are forgiving is the same standard God will use in forgiving us. God's ways are very different from ours. God's forgiveness is not based on standards we determine, but on the standards He established in His word. God allows for no exceptions when it comes to forgiveness.
As we truly understand God's gracious forgiveness in our lives, we will naturally want to express this same forgiveness to others (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13). Before you ask God for His forgiveness, take a moment to examine the condition of your relationships. Would you want God to forgive you in the same way you are presently forgiving others?

***************************************************

Today's devotional is especially eye-opening for me. Although I've heard and read the same exact concept at least a dozen times, and have thought about it at least to some extent, I don't believe I've ever actually given it the amount of thought that it deserves. I know the principle well, it's been drilled into my head over the years, especially lately: if you don't forgive, you aren't forgiven. As daunting as that sounds I guess it just hasn't been enough for me to really snap out of this whole grudge holding stupor. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the one thing in my life that I really have control over, if it's something subconscious that I just can't let go of, or if it's some other ridiculous or selfish reason. But I know that I need to give it more thought.
I know that forgiveness is a choice, what I'm not sure of is exactly how to go about doing it. I know that at least part of me wants to. I want to forgive my husband, even for things that he continues to do. I want to forgive the girl he was involved with. I keep saying that I do, I keep thinking that I do but sooner or later when I sit down and think about it I still have negative thoughts about her. When her name randomly pops into my head I still feel a flash of intense anger and I know that means that I have not yet reached forgiveness. I do know one thing, my answer to the last question posed in this devotional. And it's a resounding "no." If God forgave me in the same way that I've been forgiving, I'd be on the fast track to hell.
So what to do? I suppose this is one of those things that I need to sit down and pray about intensely. It's one of those things that I'm really going to have to think through and pick apart. Today, I think, is the first time I've truly understood this. And maybe I still don't completely understand it, but this is the first time I've understood it this way. It's the first time I've had that question asked of me, "Would you want God to forgive you in the same way you are presently forgiving other?" That one simple question has broken through my cloudy thoughts and struck something in my mind. It's started a whole new thought process about this concept. I don't want to remain unforgiven, so what right do I have to continue holding grudges against these people? Who am I? Am I better than God to believe that even when he has forgiven them, I reserve the right not to? I am not, and essentially that is what I'm saying by holding on to these grudges so tightly that my knuckles are white. "I'm better than God." How humbling this devotional has been for me, how eye-opening and thought provoking.
I think God has intentionally drawn focus to this aspect of my life. I've been praying for lots of things, for lots of people. But one of the main things I need to pray for is for the willingness and strength I need to forgive the people who have hurt me. I am not better than God, and I know that. So it's probably about time that I start acting like it.

Scents and Memories

I lay my head on my pillow
Searching for a moment of respite
But instead I find your scent
and I can feel my heart fracture.

I breathe it in
a sharp painful breath
stabbing in my lungs like a thousand tiny swords
and I cry.

For you, for me.
I cry for us.
For what we stand for today,
for what we stood for yesterday.

I cry for memories lost
for the ones that remain.
I mourn for happiness
and for feelings I will never feel again.

I linger here a moment more
to imagine life without you
and imagine what our life would be
had we lasted and not faltered.

Oh, the pain and the sorrow
the wrenching emptiness I feel
to envision possibilities of happiness
if only I'd remained alone.

Reaffirmation at its finest.

I love it when I know that God has reaffirmed something in my life.
When it's so obvious that it absolutely can not be denied.
I don't believe in coincidence.

This was said to me today by a complete stranger who does not even know my situation:

"Scripture tells us to tell our brother (or sister of course) once, tell them twice, then a third time, then if they rebuke you you have done all you were called to do. Christ made it really simple. You still pray for them. But it's pointless to waste our breath on people who don't want to leave sin and come back. They have to do it on their own time. That's what pride is. That's what the fall of man was. As well as the Angelic fall of Lucifer. It all revolves around the same concept. Know your intentions in your heart and tell them gently as well."

Enough said.hurt,

Enough

I thought we had agreed on a lot of things, but every time you seem to be having a bad day all those agreements just go flying out the window and you treat me as low as you see fit at the moment.
I love that sometimes you can admit you're pushing me away on purpose and sometimes you can do the most absurd things and then accuse me of being the problem.
It's a good thing you were supposed to let me know before the next time you had an atomic meltdown for no good reason, if there are underlying issues (and there must be because I refuse to believe you'd end our friendship over a generic nickname) then I'm sorry but I can't read your mind. If you can't be upfront and honest with me and let me know what the heck is going on then it's all on you.
Don't expect my sympathy from this point forward.
From this moment on I will not be checking your shops, your blogs, your pages or shops. So feel free to bash me to your heart's content, which you've already begun to do.
Say it all you wish, but this has been NOTHING near convenient for me. As much as I do hate to say it for fear of hurting your feelings, it's been nothing but inconvenient for me.
It's been only slightly less stressful being your friend than it was being your enemy.
"Friends" shouldn't have to constantly stress about not stepping on toes. Pretty sure you never had to do that with me.
No matter the similarities I saw in the stuff you posted, no matter the "lines" I felt you crossed, I let it slide.
Simply because I considered you a friend.
You never felt that way about me regardless of what you say. You talked to me a handful of times, never even opening up to me. Constantly just looking for a reason to push me away.
I put up with all your meltdowns and tirades. Sure I got frustrated and questioned it was worth it.
Apparently it wasn't. I did nothing but give to our friendship and you did nothing but take. I tried to at least sympathize with you when you had a problem, but when I had one you completely ignored it and talked about something else.
I reached out to you.
I wanted to help you.
I tried to help you and relate to you and every time you've shot me down.
If you want me out of your life that is FINE by me, I could do with a little less stress.
But don't switch it all around in another few days and try to use your issues as an excuse for why you acted the way you did.
Because this time, sweetie, I'm not buyin.

No One Owes You ANYTHING

"Yeah, I get it,

You're an outcast.

Always under attack.

Always coming in last,

Bringing up the past.

No one owes you anything."
-Shinedown 'Sound of Madness'


I'm really glad my friend brought this up to me and showed me these. It perfectly describes your behavior in every way. And the funny thing is, as soon as I explained just a few of the things you've said and done she showed me these. Funny how some people can see through you right away and its taken me over a year. Well now I see, the problem and it was never me. I don't feel even the slightest amount of guilt anymore because I know that everything you've been accusing me of is just created in your head and I won't do this anymore.

NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Paranoid Personality Disorder Symptoms

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
• is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
• is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
• reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
• persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
• perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
• has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

Eyes That See, Ears That Hear.

Devotional for March 1st.

Eyes That See, Ears That Hear
"But blessed are your eyes for they see and your ears for they hear." Matthew 13:16

When you became a Christian, God gave you spiritual sight and hearing so you could begin experiencing His presence and activity all around you. The Holy Spirit helps you to develop these spiritual senses as you walk with Him. Spiritual sensitivity to God is a gift that must be accepted and exercised. Scripture indicates that those who are spiritually dead cannot see or understand spiritual things (Matt. 13:14-15). Without spiritual eyes, you can be right in the midst of a mighty act of God and not recognize it.
There is a big difference between seeing your surroundings from a human perspective and seeing life through spiritual eyes. Non-Christians see world events around them and become confused. You will look at the same events, recognize the activity of God, and adjust your life to Him. When you meet a person who is seeking God, you will recognize the convicting work of the Holy Spirit and adjust your life to God's activity (Rom. 3:11). Someone without spiritual perception will encounter that same person and not grasp the eternal significance of what is happening in that person's life. Other will hear of new philosophies and trends in society and not know how to discern the truth. You will hear God's voice over the din of the world's voices, and you will keep your bearings in the midst of the confusing circumstances.
Sin dulls your senses, ultimately leaving you spiritually blind and deaf. Do not be content with merely seeing with physical eyes and hearing with natural ears but not sensing what God is doing. Ask God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to sensitize you to His activity around you.

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This devotional is a dead on description of my current life. There have been so many periods or spiritual blindness and deafness in my life and I'm just getting through my most recent one. The biggest challenge of being a Christian is sometimes sticking to it, especially through the hard times. I've been up and down enough now to know when I'm doing it all wrong or when I'm not doing enough. It feels like literally being blind and deaf, I just don't know what's going on and I feel disoriented and lost. That's when my worst depressions set in.
But I know lately I've had my spiritual eyes and ears opened again and it just gets more amazing! To see, hear, and feel what God is doing in my life is truly a breathtaking experience. And when I'm experiencing such intense periods of joy, happiness, and awareness, I always catch myself wondering how I ever let go of this in the first place. It's such a beautiful thing to know what God wants for you without doubts and without confusion or worry. And it's even more beautiful when He puts people in your life to share that with you. =]
I find that God usually puts people in my life for one or all of the following reasons: to help me grow, to help me learn, to humble me, and to show me what HE wants for me. It's very difficult sometimes to always listen to what God wants for us, to always trust that He is leading us the right way. And even when it's not about trust, sometimes we just think we know what He's saying and what He's telling us to do and we dive right in only to find down the road that it was what we were wanting al along, not what He wanted. And then of course we have to step back, throw our hands up and give the reigns back to Him because we know we can never fix it on our own.
And if we don't know that yet, we'll learn it from experience! ;) All in all I'm just glad for the chance to know, love, and understand God with my spiritually given senses. And even more glad to be able to learn from and sometimes help those that he puts into my life.

=]

<3

I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can't remember.
Do you remember, oh?

I can see, I can still find
You're the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can't hear you now, yeah.

[CHORUS]
I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories, the promises
are yesterdays and I belong to you.
I just can't walk away
'cause after loving you
I can never be the same.

[VERSE 2]
And how can I pretend I've never known you?
Like it was all a dream, no.
I know I'll never forget
the way I always felt with you beside me
and how you loved me then, yeah.

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
You led me here,
then I watched you disappear.
You left this emptiness inside
and I can't turn back time
No, stay!
Nothing compares to you.
Nothing compares to you.
I can't let you go,
Can't let you go.
I can't let go.

I'll never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you, no.

[CHORUS]

I can never be the same.
I will never be the same.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just can't walk away.
No, I can't walk away from you.

Red-"Never Be The Same"

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes I feel too sick to lay next to you, knowing who you are and what you've done.
Sometimes I feel crazy.
Sometimes I want out.
Sometimes I want to be selfish.
Sometimes I want to be angry.
Sometimes I want to be alone....for good.
Sometimes I want to open up.
Sometimes I want to shut you out.
Sometimes I want to touch your heart.
Sometimes I want to crush it in my hands.
Sometimes I want to speak my mind.
Sometimes I want to cower and am ashamed of my thoughts.
Sometimes I want to be free.
Sometimes I'd rather let you lock me away.
Sometimes I want to run.
Sometimes I want to stay in bed forever.
Sometimes I want to look in your eyes and see the truth.
Sometimes I'm too afraid of that truth.
Sometimes I want to know your thoughts.
Sometimes I'm too afraid to even ponder what they'd be.
Sometimes I want to drop it all and run away screaming.
Sometimes I want to stand by your side and fight to the death.
Sometimes I'd rather just walk away and leave you defenseless against your own demons.
Sometimes I want to break you open and learn who you really are.
Sometimes I know that I would only hate that person.
Sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me.
Sometimes I push too far and learn too much.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know at all.
Sometimes I feel that ignorance is bliss.
Sometimes I wish I never knew you at all.
Sometimes I wish I'd never laid eyes on your beautiful face.
Sometimes it kills me to think how beautiful you could be.
Sometimes it hurts even more to realize how beautiful you aren't.
Sometimes I want to let it all go and just be my own person.
Sometimes I'm too afraid to be on my own and be that person.
Sometimes I'm afraid I've made all the wrong decisions.
Sometimes I know I have.
Sometimes my decisions seem like small mistakes leading to a bigger victory.
Sometimes they feel like chains that bind me.
Sometimes I wish for serenity.
Sometimes I wish for courage.
Sometimes I wish for wisdom.
Sometimes I wish you could understand me.
Sometimes I know you never will.
Sometimes I'm glad you don't.
Sometimes my heart aches to hear yours.
Sometimes my soul cries to brush yours.
Sometimes I realize they never will.
Sometimes I feel broken beyond repair.
Sometimes I feel like I can move mountains.
Sometimes I know I could live without you.
Sometimes I know that I never will.
Sometimes it all just seems like too much.
Sometimes I just want to let go.
Sometimes I just want to default back to old habits.
Sometimes there's beauty in that madness.
Sometimes I feel it's better to be numb and scarred.
Sometimes I know I'm wrong.
Sometimes I wish you could be here all the time.
Sometimes I wish we could just be.
Sometimes my mind explodes with a thousand thoughts.
And sometimes I let them all out.

An Exchanged Life

Devotional for February 23rd.

An Exchanged Life
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20


The Christian life is an exchanged life; Jesus' life for your life. When Christ takes control, your life takes on dimensions you never would have known apart from Him. When you are weak, then Christ demonstrates His strength in your life (2 Cor. 12:9-10). When you face situations that are beyond your comprehension, you have only to ask, and the infinite wisdom of God is available to you (James 1:5). When you are faced with humanly impossible situations, God does the impossible (Luke 18:27). When you encounter people whom you find difficult to love, God expresses His unconditional love through you (1 John 4:7). When you are at a loss as to what you should pray for someone, the Spirit will guide you in your prayer life (Rom. 8:16). When Christ takes up residence in the life of a believer, "all the fullness of God" is available to that person (Eph. 3:19).
It is marvelously freeing to know that God controls you life and knows what it can become. Rather than constantly worrying about what you will face, your great challenge is to continually release every area of your life to God's control. The temptation will be to try to do by yourself what only God can do. Our assignment is to "abide in the vine" and to allow God to do in and through us what only He can do (John 15:5). Only God can be God. Allow Him to live out His divine life through you. He is the only one who can.

**************************************************

This devotional speaks to me on so many levels. Not only have I seen many of the things mentioned in the first half done in my life, but the second half is exactly what I needed to see today to reconfirm for me what my Dad just told me last night.
When I've been weak, God has been the strength in my life, more times than I can count. When I've faced situations I couldn't understand, especially lately, not to mention currently, God has been there to guide me and help me if I only listen for Him. When I've faced situations that are completely impossible to me, somehow He always brought me through it if I just gave Him the chance. And more importantly, lately I've had trouble loving some difficult people in my life, but He is helping me day by day, step by step to love them through Him.

The list goes on.

The point is that He's done more for me than I can even explain. And I really needed these words to remind me that what my Dad and other people have been telling me is exactly on the right track. I have felt the free feeling of God being in control for brief periods of my life, but it never lasts long because I always give in to the temptation of trying to do it all myself. It's like my Dad always tells me, "Give it to God" and when it's obvious that I'm trying to do it myself again he tells me "Give it back to Him, you took it back!" lol. He's even suggested that I make a "God box" (which I very well might do here soon). The concept is to make a box where you put all your cares and worries in it, written on sheets of paper. And when you've "taken it back" per se, you have to take it back out of the box until you can "give it back to God".
My Dad also told me last night that I'm not only holding on to things I should be letting go to God, but I'm fighting Him for them. This is why I've decided to stand up. When it comes to my husband, to my friends, and everyone and everything. I'm trying my best to release all things to God, to close my eyes and just let Him lead me by the hand to wherever and whatever He will.

Foolish

Let me start off by letting you know how much you hurt me, on so many levels. You really twisted a knife in my back, because I truly and honestly believed us to be friends. I literally called my father in tears last night asking for his advice and guidance on what to do because it seems lately that between you and my husband I have been opening myself up and giving myself back to people only to allow them to hurt me even more than they did to begin with.


So this is how I feel.



I suppose I should have listened to everyone who told me I was foolish (that's a much kinder word than the ones they used) for not only accepting your apology, but your friendship. But I didn't, and I don't regret it. Because I know without a doubt that at least for that one moment God spoke to both of us and we did the right thing. That hasn't changed for me. I still care for you and your family, I still care about your struggles and your pain and I share much of it.
I believed you when you said we'd put everything aside and no longer act like we have ownership over certain things. I wasn't bothered by the products you posted that were similar to mine, not in the least. And as proof Justin didn't know about them. I admit that before we came to good terms, when you'd post something similar to mine and it bothered me, I always complained to him. He always just got mad at me but he was the only person I could talk to about it. And I can honestly say that since we set our problems aside I have not said one negative word about you to him. Not when you made your cell phone charms, not when you made your micro star vial or your star magnets, not when you made your Pacman and ghost earrings after I made a Pacman and ghost cell phone charm. Because I thought we were friends and I knew you weren't going to do anything to hurt me and my business. And after all they were your interpretation of the characters. We all do things differently.
The fact is we're both in the geekery business, and like you said before, there are only so many video game characters out there that we can make. It would be ridiculous for us to choose which ones each of us could make, to divide them up like selfish children. There's nothing wrong with us making similar products, even as friends, that's just business.
And you were wrong about the star earrings. Yes the girl suggested that I make them a permanent item in my shop, but have I? No. And will I? No. I never intended to because I knew that you already made a similar set and that would be overstepping a line. I will never post them as a permanent item in my shop, whether you decide that you like me again or not. I never would have even made them had she not told me she'd checked other shops and liked mine best. I'm not sorry that different people have different tastes and styles, I have no control over that.
I've even asked you if you were ok with me making certain items that were similar to yours. Why would I do that and then turn around and try to stab you in the back? Why would I purchase something from you so that you could have money for your daughter when you complained that you didn't and then turn around and "steal sales" from you? That doesn't make any sense no matter what you say, and I am not that kind of person. I've been completely open, honest, and genuine with you. I sincerely cared, I opened up to you, I told you things I was struggling with and offered to help you with yours. I've prayed for you and even asked family and friends to pray for you and your family as well. Why would I do that for someone I'm trying to ruin?
I think you're so used to being attacked, so used to being kicked when you're down that you're overly paranoid about it and now just assume that everyone is out to get you. But I wasn't. And I'm not. I have apologized to you for the awful things that I've said and done, and I was sincere. I have truly forgiven you for the hurtful things you've said and done as well. I know that I have done some awful and stupid things in the past, but that was before I truly had God in my life. That was before I truly began on a better path. But I'm on this path now, and I have no intentions of straying, it feels good to do the right thing.
And as much as you've accused me of it in the past, I have never been a conceited person. Ask any person that knows me, ask people that don't even like me and they will tell you that I've always lacked self esteem and have never been one to brag or rub things in people's faces. I have every right to be excited when my hard work is recognized, and I've given all credit to God where it belongs just like my Dad reminds me to. I give my 10% tithe from my business every month, just like my Dad reminds me to. Not to seem bigger than anyone, not because I think I'm better, but because it's the right thing to do. No one but my Dad and my husband even knew about my tithing until just now. If I was as conceited as you imply, I would have posted that all over my Facebook in a heartbeat. But I'm not, I never will be.
I've been praying that God would allow yours eyes to be open to the truth, that he would let you see who I really am, but I suppose they haven't been and that you don't. And so I suppose this is it. I wrestled with the idea of washing my hands of all this, because I felt like I would be wrong to delete you from everything and stop trying. I thought what God wanted was for me to fix things no matter what. But my Dad brought it to my attention that God never tells us that we have to be friends with everyone, He never says we have to let people walk all over us and beg for their forgiveness. All He asks is that we forgive them and make it known that we have no qualms with them. And I've done that. I've forgiven you, and I've apologized to you numerous times. I've done what God has asked of me, and so I guess this is the end of our road. I won't be a foolish, naive little girl anymore. I won't continue to be stepped on and unevenly yoke myself, I will let go of the people and things in my life that refuse to allow me to help them and love them. I will not let you play games with me and hurt me. And I won't let my husband do that anymore either. Like you said, I'm standing up for myself for the first time in my life. But I'm doing this God's way. In no way am I saying that I no longer care, that I dislike you, or that I hate you. You are my sister in Christ and I do still care about you very much. I will still keep you in my thoughts and prayers, but I won't let this hurtful game go on any longer. That's not God's will for anyone.

God Bless,
Ash

Fighting (For all the WRONG Reasons)

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Lately I've had this feeling building up inside me, like there's something big on the horizon. I feel like I'm at a real crossroads in my life, a turning point. Something in me is changing drastically, and it feels amazing. I've had an incredibly low self esteem all my life, I've never thought myself to be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough. I've never believed that I am talented or good at anything. But that's been changing. I've had friends asking me why I can't see the good things in myself, why I allow myself to believe that I am so insignificant. The fact is some of the people closest to me and some of the people I've opened myself up to most have called me worthless, lazy and stupid among other things. They've called in to question my best intentions and made me truly feel like I'm just an awful person.
But I know how far I've come with God. I know that I am on the right path and doing the right thing and that my intentions are nothing but the best. I can recognize now that I am a child of God and that by default makes me beautiful. It makes me wonderful, and talented. There is no reason for me to feel ashamed of that. I've given all credit to God, where it belongs, not to myself. I know that it isn't me who's gotten this far, God has done many works in my life to bring me here. He has put many trials and tribulations in my life to teach me and to help me grow.
As a human being I will never be totally selfless, but I'm happy to say that I'm a lot less selfish than I used to be. I can say that I really do put others before myself at all times, even if they're just kicking me when I'm down.
I've beat myself up for past mistakes and past sins on a daily basis for years, I've allowed people to hold my past mistakes over my head instead of just remembering that I've become a better person. I was talking to my Dad about this the other day, and I was defending the people who are hurting me because I feel like I deserve it after all I've done. But then he said something to me that really woke me up. He said "Ashley, God has forgiven you for those things, right?" And of course I said yes. He continued "Are you better than God, then?" I asked what he meant and he said "If God is willing to forgive you, to 'cast your sins as far as the east is from the west', if He is willing to throw them away and remember them no more, then who are you not to forgive yourself? You must think you're better than Him." Obviously I answered with "Of course not!!" and so he told me to let it go. Let go of what I've done, it's not between me and the people I've hurt anymore, but between me and God, and He's already forgiven me.
And I realized today that I've been fighting for all the wrong reasons. I've been fighting so hard to right all my wrongs with people, when I don't even have to. My Dad told me today that everyone makes bad decisions, but for some reason I just want to hold onto mine and try to fix everything, but that's not my job. I am forgiven and that is the most important thing. All I can do from here on out is love as God tells me to, help people and pray for people as He tells me to, and just live my life the best way that I can, the way that He intended.
I should love myself. Not in a conceited way, but because that's what He wants. If I don't love myself how can I love anyone else? And as a creation of God, if I don't love myself am I not questioning Him and His work? I refuse to do that any longer. I am a wonderful, beautiful, talented person. And no one will convince me otherwise from this point forward because I hold God's opinion above anyone else's. I'm going to start fighting for all the right reasons.

Let's Just Be Honest

I'm trying.

I'm trying very hard.

Trying to love you, trying to overlook your imperfections as you throw mine in my face.

I'm trying like hell to fix myself, I'm on my 4th medicine in about as many weeks desperately seeking the right one that will make me "normal" and make my presence bearable for you. I'm trying to be the adult here, trying to be the mature one in our arguments, attempting to remain calm and oblivious as you call me every name you can think of and repeatedly rub in all my past mistakes.

But I'm failing.

Every time you yell at me, eventually I yell back. Every time you call me names, eventually I call you one too, even if it's only 'jerk'.
Every time you take a spiteful shot at me, eventually I take one at you.
Every time you rub my nose in my sins and mistakes, eventually I do the same to you.

My medicine isn't working, in fact every one I have taken so far has made me worse.
Effexor and Prozac had unbearable side effects, Welbutrin made me insanely irritable and aggressive, and so far Remeron has made me damn near narcoleptic.
I can't wake up, I can't concentrate, I can't focus on more than one thing at one time if even that one thing.
I've let the house go, I've procrastinated in every way imaginable, I've let my work slip. I feel like a slob, a horrible wife and an awful mother.
My eating disorder is back, although not as bad as it used to be. I went through a few weeks where I barely ate at all, and now it's all I do.
Of course it could be the medicine, that is a known side effect with virtually all antidepressants, but either way I feel disgusting.
I eat because you make me sad, I eat because you make me mad, I eat because I'm annoyed or lonely or irritated. It's pathetic and disgusting to me. I know I've gained at least a few pounds in this last week, my clothes barely even fit at this point but I just CAN'T stop. It's almost as if I'm under someone else's control, so it's not only disgusting and pathetic but scary too.
I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling out of control, and I hate it that I'm so unhappy that my life has come to this pathetic existence.

I'm unhappy.

I can't stand myself, I can't stand the way you treat me, or the way we live.
I want to be happy.
I want to be valued.
I want to be respected.
I know that although I'm feeling down and sad and unimportant, I am not unimportant.
I know that I am valued by my family and friends.
I know that I am a child of God and by default that makes me beautiful and wonderful.
I know that I don't want to live like this.
I'm realizing who I am, I am talented and funny and creative.
I am pretty despite what my messed up brain tells me.
I'm better than you make me out to be and I'm sick of feeling like I'm any less.
I'm tired of putting all my effort in for nothing.
I'm tired of holding you above all else when to you, I'm nothing more than a pawn in your game.
I'm tired of pouring all my love into this endless black hole.
You.
It is obvious where we rank on your list of priorities when even if you're not provoked your answer to everything is to get rid of us.

I will make a better life for myself, for us, with or without you.

Learning to Love

Devotional for February 15

Learning to Love
"And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you.... But concerning brotherly love you have no need that I should write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another." 1 Thessalonians 3:12; 4:9

God is love (1 John 4:16). His very nature is perfect love, but because of sin love does not always come freely and naturally to his children. You may have been raised in a home where love was not expressed. Perhaps you were hurt by someone you loved, and your heart became hardened as a defense against further pain. You may love others but not know how to express your love in words or actions. You may feel frustrated because you have been called by God to love, yet you do not understand how to love others.
Paul wrote to the Christians in Thessalonica to encourage them not to become disheartened as they learned to love each other (1 Thess. 3:7). The did not need Paul to explain to them how to love, for God Himself would teach them how to love one another. God would give them His love, and as they followed Him, He would cause that love to multiply. If they found someone that was difficult to love, God would enable them to love through His Holy Spirit.
God in His grace has made provision for our human weakness, and He is prepared to teach us how to love one another. There are no exceptions. God can teach us to love even that especially difficult person.
Are you struggling to love someone? God will help you. He will enable you to love your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends, or your enemy in a deeper way than you could ever love them on your own. If you do not know how to express your love in a meaningful way, God will teach you how to do this. God is the authority on love. As you relate to others, ask God to make His love overflow to them through your life.

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Yet another devotional that I feel specifically speaks to my heart at this point in my life. I've found it very difficult lately to love a certain person in my life for many, many reasons from things they have done to things that they have said and continue to say to hurt me where they know it hurts most. I know that this person is very important to me, and means more to me than most, but it's been especially difficult for me to continue to love them in the face of all the harmful things they say and do on a daily basis.
I feel this specific devotional is speaking to my heart on that matter and reminding me that even when I feel hopeless and I feel like giving up on someone I should continue to stick it out and pray harder and pray more for God to give me the strength and love I need to continue to care for this person.
There have been so many moments lately when I just want to give up, throw my hands up and say "Sorry God, you know I tried" but I know that those words would never justify my failure. Giving up at this point would be ridiculous on top of the fact that it would be incredibly damaging for my entire family. For myself, my child, my husband, for everyone I have to continue on this path and just continue asking God to give me the grace and peace I need when I need it to get through this fight as He intends me to.
I'm very guilty lately of snapping back with hurtful thoughts and words of my own. Although I pray that I can be the woman God wants me to be, and to react to hurtful words and situations as a Christian woman would, I continuously fail and give in to my hurt and anger. My goal for this coming week is to stand my ground and to remain firm in my faith rather than giving in and allowing my anger to win. I want to be able to be faithful in every manner and I know that I have to do this a little at a time and pray on a daily basis for God's strength and guidance.
Is there someone that you are struggling to love? Just remember that God can help us love anyone, even those we consider to be our worst enemies, all we have to do is ask and pray.

Love Assumes the Best

Devotional for February 13th.

Love Assumes the Best
"Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." -1 Corinthians 13:7

Love has no limits. Love never says, "You've gone too far. I can't love you now." "All thing" means everything is included. Christlike love leaves no doubt in the mind of another that you will continue to love steadfastly. Do those close to you know that they can fail and do foolish things, yet you will not falter in your love for them? Are others assured that, even when they hurt you, you still love them, holding nothing against them?
Love assumes the best about others. If someone inadvertently offends you, you choose to believe the offense was unintentional. If someone seeks to harm you, "bear all things," forgiving unconditionally. If a positive light can be shed on a difficult encounter, you grasp it. If someone continually provokes you, you "endure all things." You never lose hope in the ones you love. You practice the same unconditional love toward others that Christ gives you.
Paul said that he was nothing if he had the faith to move mountains, the tongue of an angel, and the gift of prophecy to understand all mysteries, yet did not have God's love. It is unacceptable to say, "Well, I just can't love people that way!" When God loves people through you, this is the only kind of love He has! Read 1 Corinthians 13 with gratitude that God has already expressed this complete ad selfless love to you. Pray and ask Him to express it through you now, to others.

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God sure does listen and pay close attention to our lives, and this entry is proof for me. More than anything today, I needed to read these words and I know in my heart that he meant this specifically to encourage me. You may say that no matter what I would have read this, whether I needed it or not but I don't believe in coincidence. On a day when I needed more than anything to read these words they were there, every single one speaking to my heart.
I've had a lot of doubt lately and I've really been struggling to love some people in my life, people who repeatedly hurt me both unintentionally and intentionally. I truly needed to be reminded today that true love is not conditional.
The people in my life, more specifically the men, have done and said some truly awful and terrible things to me, some of them repeatedly and seemingly without provocation and without care. I've always been one to forgive quickly, even when I didn't want to. Not saying that I forget, because I don't think we ever honestly forget the wrongs done to us, at least our hearts don't I think they always carry the scars, but in any case I'm very quick to move on once an apology has been made. Lately I've felt that that makes me weak, I've even felt walked on because some of the people who are hurting me continue to do so no matter how often I forgive them. I've really felt like I'm only enabling them to continue hurting me and I really needed to see these specific words on this specific page today to remind me that it's just the way a Christian should live their life, and Cyndy if you're reading this, I think you needed these words too. Jesus was spat on and tortured and still he stayed, still he took the abuse and not only forgave his tormentors, but prayed for them. So I choose to do that now with encouragement from this devotional and I know there are many out there who can do the same, I hope this speaks to your hearts the way it's spoken to mine.

Want.

"Telling me to go, but hands beg me to stay.
Your lips say that you love, your eyes say that you hate.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
what you build you lay to waste.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
all I've got's what you didn't take."

But I --- I won't be the one to leave this in pieces.
And you --- you will be alone,
alone with all your secrets and regrets.
Don't lie."
-Linkin Park

It seems like our every waking moment these days is a lie. A lie of love, a lie of happiness, a lie of truth. There's hate beneath the "love", there's contempt and bitterness beneath the "forgiveness", and there are innumerable scars beneath this "perfect exterior" we portray. It feels like I'm swimming the wrong way against a current I just can't break through, like I'm drowning just 3 feet from the shore watching all the people stare on simply witnessing my death and doing nothing to stop it. And you're one of them. You're in the very front, almost smiling. You mock my pain, you rub it in. You create more pain and suffering than I could ever find my own way into and then you laugh at me when I feel the hurt that you intentionally inflict.
I suppose this only further supports my suspicions that I am indeed a masochist. To sit here and take your abuse and take the insanely painful things that come out of your mouth on a daily basis not only makes me masochistic, but probably just a little bit crazy. So I guess you're at least a little bit right when you call me crazy. And I'm well aware of all the things you so often drill into my head. I know that I'm not good enough, I know that I'm not a good wife, not a good mother. I'm fully aware that I just don't have it together. I know I'm not perfect and I can admit when I'm wrong - YES I can. I don't need a constant reminder.
I know that with all I've done wrong I don't deserve to have such a beautiful person. I don't deserve to be the mother of such a precious child, but I am. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time, I know that I can say and do hurtful things just as well as you can, but at least I try to understand you. I try to understand your addictions and pains, I don't pretend they don't exist. I don't accuse you of "faking" them or pretending, even though sometimes I really feel like you could just get past them if you really and truly wanted to. Sometimes things are just wrong. Sometimes things just hurt, and people just aren't whole. I'm not whole, and I'm sorry for that but it's not fair for you to continue chipping away at what little is left of me every day like some forgotten decaying statue. I'm not some object for you to use, abuse, and forget. I don't deserve to be slowly but surely destroyed by a person who should love me and hold me above all else.
Life is so upside down sometimes. When it should be black, it's white. When it should be sunny, it rains. When you know it should be summer, it snows. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I want to just be normal. I want to throw my life completely into God's hands and wave my white flag and know that it will all be ok. I want to be selfish and live my life for ME instead of you. I want to love with all I have and get it all back in the same way instead of pouring all my love into what seems to be an empty black hole. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, but what I've learned in life is that you can't always get what you want. And no, you don't always get what you need. You just get what you get, whether you want it, or need it, or not.

Be Anxious for Nothing

Devotional for February 8th.

Be anxious for Nothing
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6


Don't be anxious! Paul said there is nothing that should cause a child of God to worry. He was well aware of things that cause anxiety. His nation was occupied by a foreign army and ruled by corrupt leaders. He was writing from prison, where he was bring held as a result of false accusations. He was separated from those he loved; his motives had been questioned; and he had been misrepresented. Some were trying to undermine all that he had accomplished in starting churches. he suffered physically and faced imminent execution (2 Cor. 11:23-29). Yet Paul said there would never be a crisis so troubling that God could not bring peace in the midst of it!
God will not necessarily take your problems away, but He will carry the load for you. He wants you to experience His peace, which is beyond human comprehension. You will never fully understand how God could give you peace in some of the situations you face, but you do not have to understand it in order to experience it. This peace is not just for those who "handle stress well"; it is for everyone! You may know that God wants you to experience peace but wonder how this is possible, given what you are presently facing. Yet, scripture says to be anxious for nothing. God's word clearly indicates that there is nothing you can face that is too difficult, too troubling, or too fearful for God. No matter what your circumstances are, turn your anxiety over to God and let His perfect peace guard your heart.

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In February 7th's devotional it is stated that worry is sin. It is not from God and to worry means that you don't have faith in Him, that you don't believe He can handle all things. It is absolutely true that to worry is to sin, and not only to sin but to be disrespectful in every way to the one who cares for us most. I am probably more guilty of this than most people I know. I worry about everything from money to my son, to my marriage, to what to make for dinner! It's wrong of me to do this and I know it, and I think with this devotional and the one previous to it God is really working with my heart to try to coax me into peace. I have felt God's peace only a handful of times in my life, most recently during my separation from my husband. In a time when I should have been crying, should have been stressing and quite simply breaking down, I had so much peace I couldn't even fathom it. And I couldn't understand why, now I know that I had the peace that He gave me so that I could make it through such unhappy circumstances, but I long to feel that peace again.
If I could have peace in such awful times, how can I not have peace now when my marriage is intact, my husband has a job, I have a business, we have a roof over our heads, and a beautiful son. Not to mention many wonderful and understanding family and friends between the two of us. We are so blessed and so lucky to have all the amazing things we have, who on earth am I to worry? There are so many people on this planet with so many lesser things, people who have no home and do not know if tomorrow they will have something to eat much less a little extra money for spending. And many of those people worry less than I do. Many of those people have learned to trust God so wholly and completely that they stress about nothing, even in their difficult circumstances.
I have worked on forgiveness, and although I have not mastered it and am well aware that I never will, I know that I have come very far and learned much more about how to forgive and even to love those who hurt me. Now it's my time to work on peace, to stop worrying about the big things, the little things, and everything in between. Time for me to start trusting and giving my life and all its problems big and small over to my Father, the one who cares for me and can bring me through anything. Is it that time for you as well?

Are You Being Made Perfect?

Devotional for January 27th.

Are You Being Made Perfect?
"Though He was a son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered. And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey him." -Hebrews 5:8-9

There is a positive aspect to suffering. We all endure suffering to some degree, but the good news is that through it we can become like Jesus. Are you willing to pay whatever price is necessary in order to become like Christ? There are some things that God can build into your life only through suffering. Even Jesus, the sinless son of God, was complete only after He had endured the suffering His Father had set before Him. Once He had suffered, He was the complete, mature, and perfect Savior through whom an entire world could find salvation.
If you become bitter over your hardships, you close some parts of your life from God. If you do this, you will never be complete. Some places in your soul can be reached only by suffering. The Spirit of God has important things to teach you, but you can only learn these lessons in the midst of your trials. King Saul was made king without ever enduring hardship, but he never developed the character or maturity to handle God's assignment. David spent years in suffering and heartache. When he finally ascended the throne, he was a man after God's own heart.
Don't resent the suffering God allows in your life. Don't make all your decisions and invest everything you have into avoiding hardship. God did not spare His own Son. How can we expect Him to spare us? Learn obedience even when it hurts!

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I believe there are many eyes in the world that need to see this message, especially mine. I get far too absorbed sometimes in feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on past issues, therefore causing my own suffering. I allow past issues to haunt me on a daily basis, things people have done to me, things I have done to them, and things I have said. I allow the hardships that God himself has placed in my life to help me grow, to cripple me instead. And unfortunately I know many people who have done and are doing the same.
So I challenge you to stand up with me and stand out against the demons of your past. Use the pain and suffering for what God truly meant them to be used for - growth. Don't spend another day in sorrow for yourself or in dwelling on past pains. God means for us to be thankful. In all situations, not just the ones that we enjoy. He allows every hardship in our lives for a purpose and a reason, to build our character and to shape and mold us into the tools and vessels He needs. So let's let Him do His job, let Him work through us to make this world what He means for it to be. Don't be a hindrance, be a vessel.


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