Are You Being Made Perfect?

Devotional for January 27th.

Are You Being Made Perfect?
"Though He was a son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered. And having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey him." -Hebrews 5:8-9

There is a positive aspect to suffering. We all endure suffering to some degree, but the good news is that through it we can become like Jesus. Are you willing to pay whatever price is necessary in order to become like Christ? There are some things that God can build into your life only through suffering. Even Jesus, the sinless son of God, was complete only after He had endured the suffering His Father had set before Him. Once He had suffered, He was the complete, mature, and perfect Savior through whom an entire world could find salvation.
If you become bitter over your hardships, you close some parts of your life from God. If you do this, you will never be complete. Some places in your soul can be reached only by suffering. The Spirit of God has important things to teach you, but you can only learn these lessons in the midst of your trials. King Saul was made king without ever enduring hardship, but he never developed the character or maturity to handle God's assignment. David spent years in suffering and heartache. When he finally ascended the throne, he was a man after God's own heart.
Don't resent the suffering God allows in your life. Don't make all your decisions and invest everything you have into avoiding hardship. God did not spare His own Son. How can we expect Him to spare us? Learn obedience even when it hurts!

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I believe there are many eyes in the world that need to see this message, especially mine. I get far too absorbed sometimes in feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on past issues, therefore causing my own suffering. I allow past issues to haunt me on a daily basis, things people have done to me, things I have done to them, and things I have said. I allow the hardships that God himself has placed in my life to help me grow, to cripple me instead. And unfortunately I know many people who have done and are doing the same.
So I challenge you to stand up with me and stand out against the demons of your past. Use the pain and suffering for what God truly meant them to be used for - growth. Don't spend another day in sorrow for yourself or in dwelling on past pains. God means for us to be thankful. In all situations, not just the ones that we enjoy. He allows every hardship in our lives for a purpose and a reason, to build our character and to shape and mold us into the tools and vessels He needs. So let's let Him do His job, let Him work through us to make this world what He means for it to be. Don't be a hindrance, be a vessel.


<3>

In everything give thanks.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

I don't have much time or energy for any kind of extended deeply though out blog tonight, but I have a few things on my mind. I've started reading my book again 'A Thankful Heart'. I've read it once before and it literally changed my life, gave me a new perspective and a new way to think. But I think I need to literally read it about once a month to keep myself in check with this. It feels so good after reading this book, to get to a point where you thank God for literally everything, traffic, red lights, selfish people, addicts, you name it. Because it helps you to understand that every every every everything had a purpose in God's divine plan.
I truly believe that everyone should read this book at least once, especially those of us who struggle with depression and poor self image as it is. It's such an uplifting read, and it's relatively short. I know that I can easily read a chapter in 10 minutes or less, so if you've just got 10 minutes a day to spare you can do it. Even if you think your life is great, there is ALWAYS room to improve and why not get a different perspective and widen your horizons? I bought the book over a year ago on Christianbook.com in the 90% off section. I'm not sure if you can still get it for that price but between there, ebay and Amazon, I'm sure it's somewhere to be found for a decent low price.
Anyway I'm falling asleep as I'm typing but feeling so much better about myself already. I hope everyone has a blessed and restful sleep. Tomorrow is a newday, let's make it our day, shall we?

Tonight

Tonight I am tormented, I am burdened by my own sins. I have made a realization that much of my depression and many of my stresses stem from just that, my own contemptible sins. Being human it's something I will always deal with, but perhaps I can learn to deal with it better, or even to control it. God willing, I might additionally become a better person in this process. Until then it seems that my insomnia plagues me even more so than normal. My guilt and imperfection keep me from finding the solace of sleep until the very wee hours of the morning, which in turn affects everything about me. It affects my attitude and energy levels, therefore affecting my duty as a wife and mother. It keeps me from being the person that I used to be, the carefree and animated person that I miss so much.
But you see I have a dilemma, a little secret my father let me in on some years ago. A gift, some call it. I agree that it could be considered a gift, but more often than not it feels an awful lot like a curse. It's a little something called compunction, and it tortures me on a daily basis. If you don't understand what compunction is, Webster's Dictionary defines it as "anxiety arising from awareness of guilt" but it's much more than that. It's like the every day person's conscience magnified and multiplied ten times over. The average person feels immense guilt when they do things that they know are wrong" stealing, lying, cheating, etc. But a person who possesses this "gift" of compunction feels that immense guilt regardless of the degree of their wrong doing. For instance, I feel ashamed, remorseful, guilty even if I so much as think a negative thought about someone. I feel just as badly as if I've stolen something every time I cuss, or get angry, or lash out at someone.
So nearly every waking moment for me is spent reliving the shame and frustration of realizing that I've done something wrong. So imagine how I feel when I do something the ordinary person considers to be wrong. Perhaps this gives the reader more insight as to why I simply can not stop until I know that I am forgiven, the reason I've been on this recent mission to undo the wrongs I've done to people in the past. Because I know I have to, I am so acutely aware of my mistakes and sins that it literally tortures me not to try and absolve them. Not to compare myself to a saint, because I am by no means anywhere close to that, but I would assume that this is how many of them live out their lives. Being so acutely aware of right and wrong, but I would also imagine that they are much better at keeping themselves in check and much better at avoiding this pain.
It makes me wonder if this isn't what many great and misunderstood people have suffered from. How many people have been diagnosed with simple depression when it was much, much more than that? How do we know that many of our historical icons did not experience the very same ache only misunderstanding it to be something else? Poe, Van Gogh, Cobain to name a few. Or how do we know that they didn't understand? Maybe they knew precisely why they suffered and unable to control their sinful ways, suffered all the more. Maybe I'm just trying to justify what I struggle with by hoping that I'm not the absolutely only one. I've never known another person with this so-called "gift" so I'm not really sure how to deal with it exactly. Either way, I can't seem to find my way to sleep so I thought I'd share a bit of the maddening regret living in my head.

Bonne nuit.

I many times thought peace had come.

I many times thought Peace had come
When Peace was far away

As Wrecked Men -- deem they sight the Land
At Centre of the Sea

And struggle slacker -- but to prove
As hopelessly as I
How many the fictitious Shores
Before the Harbor be

~Emily Dickinson - "I many times thought peace had come"

Like Emily, many times I've thought that I've found peace and it always turned out that I had not. But now I can truly say that I have. I have found peace with myself, and most importantly with my past and my enemies. God has truly done a major work in my life in just this last week and has allowed me to make amends with not just one, but both of the people in my life who I considered to be enemies. I am so beyond grateful and thankful for this absolution, it's as if the weight of the entire universe has been lifted from my back and I can stand again and hold my head up to look to the future with a positive attitude.
It's amazing what just talking to someone and agreeing on peaceful terms can do for you. I immediately felt so much anxiety and stress lifted from my life, so much worry gone. Anger and frustration dissolved into relief and happiness, and I'd like to thank you both for that.
Cyndy, I'd like to thank you just for reaching out to me again and allowing me to befriend you and put our tumultuous past just where it belongs, behind us. I can't think of any other words besides relief and excitement. Relief that all this negativity and worry and fighting are behind us, and excitement that I now have a friend so much like me that I can talk to and freely and easily understand. I've gone from checking up on you constantly to make sure you're not talking about me, to checking constantly to see what new and exciting things you have created and what interesting and intriguing things you have to say. I look to you as a friend now, and a good friend who can understand me on a level that most can never fathom. I hope that doesn't freak you out at all or make you feel awkward! Thanks again for letting God work through you and making it possible for us to not only make amends, but start a new and blossoming friendship. =]
Jessica, thank you for allowing me to speak to you, for actually giving me the time of day and not ignoring me. I was honestly terrified to talk to you, so scared that it would only blow up in my face but I am comforted immensely in knowing that we can put this all aside, forgive one another and move on with our lives. Even if you may not realize it, you have helped me in such a tremendous way to lay hurt and anger to rest and replace them with forgiveness and peace. All the hatred and resentment that had built up within me in these past months has virtually just melted away and given way to solace and rest that I've been very much in need of. Thank you.
I am so glad to know that this can all be put behind us and that from all this I've even gained a friend and ally. I have been blessed in so many ways and I think the both of you have too. I'm glad that I can let go of whatever enmity was left between us and just love you as God meant for me to. I hope that God continues to bless you both in every way possible.

<3

Through the Fire.

I'm not even sure where to begin with this, just that I need to start typing and get it out. I guess I'll write directly to you, it just feels right that way. I wish you could see you through my eyes. I wish you could feel the way you make my heart flutter with every smile, every kiss. I wish you could see yourself for who you truly and really are, an amazing, intelligent, talented, handsome, strong, and all around wonderful person. And even those words just don't seem to do you justice.
I wish you didn't judge yourself so harshly, we all make mistakes. Being wrong doesn't make you a bad person, we are all only human and we make mistakes. The fact that you can acknowledge yours and try to improve upon them and make them right tells me that you are every bit as wonderful as I once believed you to be. I let my grand ideas of you be tarnished by things that you did wrong, and that was wrong of me. I have realized that you are everything I ever thought you were and more. You are caring, you are kind, loving and patient. You are honest, forgiving, and beautiful on so many levels. I can't imagine my life without you, and I never want to. And I know that I will never have to again. We have proven time and again through the years that we just fit, we just belong together. Yes, we've been through a lot, yes we still fight about silly things, and no, we will never be perfect. But that's what makes us who we are, that's why we come together to make one incredibly beautiful, whole and happy soul. That's why you are my everything and the piece that was missing from my life that fits oh-so-perfectly.
Justin Shawn Cox, you are more than I could ever ask for. You are more than I ever dreamed of, more than I deserve. And you are everything I could ever want. I will continually thank God for you for the rest of my life, because you are one of the most amazing blessings he has ever gifted me with and I am so, so glad that He brought us through this fire. Maybe not completely whole and unscathed, but in the end we made it just the way He intended, holding onto each other. <3

Random Random Random

I'm sure there will be lots of these totally ridiculously random posts. And since I had waaaaaay too much coffee on an empty stomach today, here is the first. =p I suppose this will be nothing more than a compilation of completely random thoughts, a lot of it more than likely won't make sense, but at least you're bound to be entertained! ;) I helped some old lady with a big box at Wal Mart yesterday while I was waiting for my prescription, and that felt totally awesome. It's amazing how many people passed by and looked at her struggling and kept walking anyway. Some actually hesitated but in the end whatever reason they had for being at Wal Mart won out over doing a good deed. I have to say I even hesitated for a second. Not because I was in any hurry, but I was afraid she would be one of those old people that gets offended when you acknowledge that they are old and need your help. Obviously in the end I decided that I didn't care, I just wanted to help, and I'm glad I did because she was very grateful! =] I then proceeded to pick up my prescription and then drive all over the free world to find all the jewelry supplies I needed and to stop and pick up this super cool touch lamp that my husband just had to have for his studio. =p Silly man. Funny how he has a studio and I don't! Lol.
Today I attempted (with no success) to clean and organize the house and at the same time list and make a few orders. I managed to get Caden's stuffed animal hammock thinger up in his room and rearrange a little and transfer his books from their old wire holder to the wicker basket his stuffed animals had previously been in. I must say I was a bit disappointed with it, I order the "jumbo" size and not even half his animals fit in it and it hangs all funny...Oh phoo. Oh well! =] Going to make 3 or 4 more orders tonight to ship out tomorrow after my appointment with the doctor. Maybe on Thursday I can finally sit down and start making all the new stuff I've got in my head!
Another random topic: I got my husband into the Beatles! Mwahahahah! It's no secret that I've loved them for years, but he always made fun of me and told me how much they suck (pffff!!) but I made him listen to my Beatles 1 album on our way home the other day and he hasn't stopped playing it since! Bwahahaha I wiiiiin. =D Then again this may have a downside...he tends to play the bands he loves for weeks sometimes months at a time (no I'm not exaggerating) and totally ruins them for ME lol. It's happened with every new Chevelle album in the last 3 years, with As I Lay Dying, A7X, A Day to Remember, Trivium, Atreyu, Killswitch Engage and so many many more wonderful bands. So at the moment it's quite difficult for me to listen to any songs from those bands unless I'm seriously in the mood to, lol. I just so happened to be in a Chevelle mood yesterday. ;) Although it doesn't ruin all of them for me, I still loooove Killswitch and can listen to them anytime. Then again he didn't play them out for all that long... rambling!
So I guess that's all for now...OH! One last piece of news that will be totally and completely insignificant to anyone but myself - I have been reunited with my giant fuzzy red robe and my fluffy yummy sea creature blanket! XD I hadn't seen them since high school but this last time that we stopped by my parents' house my Mommy had them all bagged up and ready for me to take home, yaaaaaay! =D

End transmission.

Be Reconciled! - A Real Eye Opener!

Note: This one blew me away because it speaks directly to my heart and situations I have been dealing with.

Devotional for January 17.

Be Reconciled!
"Leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." -Matthew 5:24

It is useless to give offerings to God while you are at enmity with your brother. Jesus said that His followers should be reconciled with anyone who has something against them. The world seeks reconciliation on limited terms. Christians are to be reconciled, whatever it takes.
You say "But you don't know how deeply he hurt me! It's unreasonable to ask me to restore our relationship." Or "I tried but she would not be appeased." Jesus did not include an exception clause for our reconciliation. If the the person is an enemy, Jesus said to love him (Matt. 5:44). If he persecutes you, you are to pray for him (v.44). If she publicly humiliates you, you are not to retaliate (v.39). If someone takes advantage of you, you are to give even more than he asks (v.41). The world preaches "Assert yourself." Jesus taught, "Deny yourself." The world warns that you will be constantly exploited. Jesus' concern was not that His disciples be treated fairly but that they show unconditional love to others regardless of how they are treated. Men spat upon Jesus and nailed Him to a cross. His response was our model: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34).
If there were ever a command that is constantly disobeyed, it is this mandate to be reconciled. We comfort ourselves with the thought, "God knows that I tried to make things right, but my enemy refused." God's Word does not say "Try to be reconciled," but "Be reconciled." Is there someone with whom you need to make peace? Then do what God tells you to do.

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This particular devotional comes at a time when I really need it. Just another reason that I believe in reaffirmation. A struggle that I was having with an enemy I mentioned in an earlier blog has been absolved and I feel that this is just divine reaffirmation for me and for her. I think it shows that we are on the right track. It couldn't be more obvious if God came down Himself and told me to my face, there's no denying that this devotional is no coincidence! However there is another person with whom I desperately need to make peace, the problem is that I am just as desperately afraid to try. Months ago I told her that I had forgiven her for what she did regarding my marriage, and at that point I truly thought I had. But as the days and weeks passed I began to feel an anger so great for her and what she'd done that it turned into hatred. At this point I believe that I am past the point of hatred and have begun to forgive but am not quite sure how to continue from this point.
This woman hurt me more than anyone ever has, what she did was beyond just deceitful, manipulative and spiteful so like the devotional says I've really been feeling like it's unreasonable to ask me to make peace with her, but that's exactly what God is doing. The problem here is that I've tried and failed. She wants nothing to do with me, and in many ways I don't blame her. And to be honest I want nothing to do with her, but I feel a much higher calling from God to finally lay this all to rest.
My biggest fear is that contacting her will prompt her to again contact my husband, which she has always done in the past, and I just want to bury all this and forget it. But I suppose part of healing is experiencing some of the pain in order to get past it. So I suppose we will see if I can get past this fear in order to repair my heart and my soul, and quite possibly hers as well.


*Special note: Cyndy, I am very glad that we have made it to this point of reconciliation and peace, I really think this is what God intends for us, friendship after all this time. =]

Here's a thought.

Was just browsing through my Facebook updates and this popped out at me from the Daily Scriptures page:

People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:2-3 NLT

Makes perfect sense and is so completely accurate in so many scenarios. Doesn't almost everyone think they're perfect? Or at least that they're doing the "right" thing? I've begun to doubt whether or not any of us know that the "right thing" is any longer. It seems to me that more often we only do things with our own motives in mind. I think we all need to at least try to commit it all to God, to give it all to Him so that we are not just another person guilty of this mistake. I don't believe that I am perfect or pure, but I know that sometimes my motives are not what they should be. For example many of us tithe simply in the hopes that God will look upon us with favor and let us have something that we want. And it's the same with a lot of human relationships, we go into them expecting to get something in return and we're only there for them when it's convenient for us or even worse, when it benefits us. I won't be that kind of person this year. God has really filled my heart with unshakable joy and love lately and He's put it in my mind that I need to give that joy and love to those around me, and I intend to. Life is so precious and so breakable. It only takes a few spur of the moment harsh words sometimes to wipe out a person's self esteem entirely. I know because I've done it and I've been on the receiving end of those kinds of words as well. And the worst part about a situation like that, is that one the words have left your lips they can not be unspoken as badly as you sometimes want them to be. They are ingrained in that person's memory forever. You may forget that you said them, I know I honestly couldn't tell you half the awful things I've said, but the person you spoke them to will never forget them. They crop up at unexpected moments to take the joy from your day. They're the first things that pop into your head when you're depressed or sad and alone. I believe the human tongue to be much more dangerous than any other body part that we possess. So much can be destroyed with the utterance of a few simple cutting words. It is my opinion that we all need to think more before we speak, love more before we hate, and just try more in general to be more patient, more kind, more understanding, and more forgiving.

January 16 - God's Eternal Perspective (Here is our answer)

Another excerpt from my daily devotional, this one being for January 16.

God's Eternal Perspective

"I will make you a great nation,; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing." Genesis 12:2

Big assignments require big characters. God will give you a responsibility in proportion to the size of your character. In Bible times, a person's name represented his character; to know someone's name was to know what the person was like. That's why God changed the name of some when He transformed their character. For example, the Lord wanted to bless all the nations of the earth through Abram, yet Abram's character was too weak for such a great task. God said He would make Abram's name great so that He could make him a blessing to future generations. Then over the next twenty-five years, God developed Abraham's character to match the name He had given him.

God sees your life from His eternal perspective. He will take whatever time is necessary to grow your character to match His assignment for you. If you have not received a divine commission lately, it may be that your character needs maturing. Are you impatient to begin your work before God has refined your character? A small character will fail in a large responsibility every time. Don't be too hasty to get to work. Character building can be long and painful. It took twenty-five years before God entrusted Abraham with his first son and set in motion the establishment of the nation of Israel. Yet God was true to His word, and thousands of years later people continue to be blessed by the account of Abraham's life and by his descendant, Jesus.

How is God building your character? Do you sense He has a task for you that will require a far greater man or woman than you presently are? Will you yield to God as He works in your life to prepare you for your next assignment?

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I hope you got the message that I sent you yesterday through Etsy. I think it's silly to continue referring to each other as "you know who you are" so Cyndy, I think I've found our answer. Funny that the very day I read your blog, this was my devotional for the day. But I believe in reaffirmation and I think that's just what it is. I believe that you and I had to struggle through this extended battle with one another simply to build our character and prepare us for something much greater. And now that we've finally reached a point where we're both on the same page, where we're willing to forgive and even help each other, I think God will be able to do in our lives whatever it is that he's been preparing us for. And I think that it will be something beyond our imagining.

Sowing Seeds of Righteousness

This post in an excerpt from my daily devotional, and it's one that really hit home. This is the devotion for January 11:

Sowing Seeds of Righteousness

"But he who sows righteousness will have a sure reward." - Proverbs 11:18b

There are many ways to invest our lives, but none offers greater reward than devoting ourselves to the pursuit of righteousness. Every area of our lives should reflect the holiness of God that is ours by salvation: our thoughts, so that nothing we think about would be inappropriate for a child of God; our actions, so that our lives demonstrate that we serve a holy God; our integrity, so that we are above reproach in all our relationships.

Are you taking God's righteousness in your life for granted? Righteousness is something you must allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life. Instead of sowing holy thoughts, are you allowing evil and sinful thoughts to grow in your mind? Are you allowing lust to grow unchecked within you? Does enmity, bitterness, jealousy, or unforgiveness remain in your life? Jesus said if we seek first God and His righteousness, everything else will follow. (Matt. 6:33)

There is great reward in sowing righteousness. What are you presently doing to plany holiness in your life? (1 Pet. 1:15). How are you putting righteousness in your mind so that your thoughts are holy? How are you cultivating righteousness in your relationships so that you maintain your integrity? Are you instilling righteousness in your activities so that your life is above reproach? If you want to harvest righteousness in your life tomorrow, you must plant seeds of righteousness today.

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I'm sure I'll be posting quite a few of these as they really touch my heart. The devotional that I read is called 'Experiencing God Day-By-Day' by Henry T. and Richard Blackaby. It was recommended to me by the Chaplain at my husband's base in Mobile, Alabama and so far has proved to be just the thing I need on most days. This particular devotional seemed to really speak to my heart.

I've always been the first to admit that I am not perfect and January 11th's devotional really spoke to what I'm currently struggling with. Namely unforgiveness and enmity. Altough I don't wish to have enemies, as many of us I'm sure like to avoid them, I do have one or two and that really hurts my heart. I regret to say that I've responded to people in ways very much opposite of the way a Christian would respond to a person in the past and it has effected the lives of others. For that I am truly sorry. I have attempted to make amends but to no avail. And because of this, the vicious circle of hatred and hurt and anger continue to this day. I want nothing more from life than peace and the ability to share the joy that I feel with other Christians like myself, and those who are not Christians and need to feel the joy and love that God has given me to offer to them.

One of the most important things about being human is that we are so imperfect. And we need other Christians to help us along the way, to remind us to cultivate righteousness within our lives. We all make mistakes, and we all struggle with something; be it unforgiveness or jealousy, hatred or lust. I think true maturity comes when we can recognize our biggest faults and not only recognize them, but admit them to others and WORK on them.

I have a very big problem with unforgiveness. Some terrible things happened in my marriage recently and I am having immense difficulty forgiving those involved. I've even developed hatred for one of these people, so my biggest current struggle is that. I want to forgive those who hurt me. It is my constant prayer that God supply me with the grace and peace I need to do so.

I know that my enemies will read this blog, so I want to make it a point to again say that I am sorry. I just want to give the best I have in this life. I want to be the best person I can be and I want to cultivate God's righteousness. But I can not do that with hatred and unforgiveness in my heart, if my enemies would forgive me that would make it all the more simple for me to move on and forgive them. But if they do not, I know that God will strengthen me and eventually gift me with the grace I need to forgive them regardless of the state of their hearts.

First Post

So I figured since I have a blog for my business to keep everyone updated, and I still love to blog about more personal stuff, I should make another blog just for my own personal thoughts and ideas. So I suppose instead of Myspace blogs and Facebook notes, I will begin doing all my thinking out loud here from now on. This blog is in no way affiliated with my business, these have nothing to do with PPD, just my own personal thoughts and opinions on life, updates on me and my family and what not. So let the thoughts begin, eh? =p Blog hoooo!