Happy

Wow.

So it's been 2.5 months since I took my son and moved out of the home I shared with my husband. It's hard to believe it's already been almost 3 months, it feels like much longer but at the same time it feels like I just blinked and here I am.

I can't even begin to explain the feeling of relief I've had, the feeling of complete and utter happiness. I'd like to try to explain the situation without going too far into detail and destroying anyone's privacy.

Let's just say the situation with my husband had gotten out of hand. Really gotten out of hand. It was nothing but constant, and I do mean constant, yelling and fighting and screaming and cursing and just downright disrespect and abuse. Not the kind of environment that is ideal to be raising a toddler in. Not the kind of environment where I was ok raising my toddler.

Of course we were that way long before we had Caden, but I put up with it and just dealt with it because I refused to fail, I did not want to be another statistic. Another young divorcee. I didn't want people to look down on me, I was really afraid of what they'd think and what they'd say.

But the beauty of having a child and becoming a mother is that you learn to let go of that kind of thing, you become much more selfless because you have to begin making big decisions not based on your OWN comfort and well being, but that of your child. And that is what I did. Being abused is one thing, fighting with, being torn down by and also tearing down another person is something awful when you're alone but it's certainly not something you want your child to grow up seeing.

I would much rather my son grow up in a stable and happy home alone with his mother, seeing his stable and happy father alone on weekends, than raise him in a home where both parents are just angry and abusive to one another on a daily basis. What would I have been teaching him if I'd stayed? That it's ok for Daddy to hurt Mommy? And it's ok for Mommy to take that kind of abuse from Daddy simply because she wants to hold a marriage together because of her pride? That's not what I want my son to get out of life. I want him to learn how to be a whole person. I want him to see me in a good relationship some day with a good man who will treat me right and set a good example for him. And the same with his father. I want Caden to see him happy with a woman he will treat well, who will treat him well in return. I want my son to see his parents happy and functioning so that he can learn to do the same.

Since I moved here I've felt so alive. I've felt so free and happy. And I don't mean the type of freedom that you'd feel simply because you are getting a divorce. I mean freedom to be happy, to be myself without constant ridicule from the one person who should support me above all others. Freedom to feel, to love, and to smile again. I will be honest, I only cried once about the entire situation. I cried the day I left for about 15 minutes in my car. But I haven't looked back a day since. It just feels as if my world is finally right, like until now it's been slightly off on its axis or something. Something just wasn't fitting right.

And now I know, I was just living a life that I wasn't meant to live with a person who I wasn't meant to live it with. Something beautiful came from that life, yes, I got the most wonderful and beautiful child a mother could ask for from it. But maybe that's all it was meant to be. Maybe God has a special purpose for my son and he knew things had to happen just the way they did in order for him to get here.

I do know that I'm on the right path now. Maybe I'm not doing every little thing I should, maybe I'm not in the perfect place with God. But I know my life is headed in the right direction. I've felt it since I packed the last box into that car and pulled out of that driveway. There's just a beautiful calm inside my heart that I've never felt before. A calm that tells me all is well and all is right. And there's a spark of joy in my son now that I've never seen before. A spark that I'm sure was simply suppressed by the negativity and the the hurt and anger he was constantly surrounded by in that house in Alabama. But it's there now, and it's so beautiful, SO so beautiful. I can't describe the way it feels to see my child so happy and to know that it's because I made the right decision for him and for us.

No one will convince me that I'm wrong. I know that God frowns upon divorce. But the Bible gives a couple of situations where divorce is ok, and I have certainly experienced them. I fought with myself for a long time making excuses and telling myself God doesn't like divorce. But the bottom line is, God doesn't like to see his children hurt and disrespected either, and he doesn't expect us to put up with abuse and infidelity for our entire lives. Or to teach our children that it's ok to live that way and take that kind of disrespect from someone who is supposed to love you.

God is ok with my decision, I know that. I feel it deep inside my soul as cheesy as that may sound. But it's absolutely true. I was so broken and so damaged by that relationship that I literally feel as if it never happened. I was pushed so far that I no longer even feel like I was ever a part of that marriage. When I sit and think about it, it honestly feels like something that must have happened ages ago. It feels good to look forward to the future and have a blank canvas for once. Not a canvas filled with promises of continued abuse and pain. Now I'm free to paint the picture I want for my son and myself. A happy and stable picture with limitless horizons and endless choices that we can make together.

For the first time in my life, I am happy.

Listen close as we wait for a sound to go





It's true, we are
we are destined to fail
It's true, we are
we are destined to fail

There is a problem here with our society
The absence of my tears is my sobriety
I have a growing fear and you're not helping me
Am I the only one who realizes it's true?

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

You're persecuting me, showing hypocrisy
I have a remedy for your insecurity
It's all the same, sadly, nobody works for free
Am I the only one who realizes it's true

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can't release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

When I dream, I see dawn turn into dusk, into dusk

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can't release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

It's true, we are
we are destined to fail
It's true, we are
we are destined to fail

A Reminder

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean."
- Bob Marley

The End.

I guess I'll finally sit down and write at least a little about our situation. You asked me to listen to this song and I do have to agree that it's completely accurate considering our life together. As I type this I'm sad but also relieved. I think we both want and deserve so much better out of life. You were right all those times you said we were too young, we were. It took so long for me to admit that. It was so hard to say it's true, but now that I've said so there's no taking it back and denying it. We've been together since we were 14 years old. "What a shame" some would say about us ending this. I know, I used to say the same. It would be a shame to let go of all these years together, it would be a waste of 7 years. But that's wrong. It was certainly not a waste. We've learned so much about how not to live and how not to treat people. We've learned to let go of something wrong and unhealthy. We were so wrong about so many things.
I was wrong for making you hold on for so long. You don't see that now, maybe. But you're sad and you're hurting, as am I. In time we'll look back and be able to smile at the good times and acknowledge that this is for the best. It's not healthy to keep living the kind of life that we were. Not for us or for our son. If we continued to be together, to yell at each other, to disrespect each other as we have, what would we be teaching him? That it's normal for Mommies and Daddies to fight all the time? That you don't have to love someone to stay with them? Or worse, that you don't have to respect the one you love and choose to spend your life with. I don't want any of that for him. For a long time I wanted to keep us together so that he'd have a "normal" and "whole" family, a father and a mother there for him in a singular home. But I see the error of that now. I think it's much better for him to have a healthy happy home with his mother and a separate one with his father instead. I'd rather him be around two healthy and happy people separately than around to miserable and severely unhealthy people together. And I know you want the same for him, I know you love him that much.
This isn't easy for either of us, it's scary, it hurts, and it's very difficult to do. But I think that at this point it is necessary. And I know that getting over this and getting through it will be very hard, but I also know that bigger and better things await us in life. God has so much more planned for us. We will always hold a special place in each others' hearts, we were first loves, first everything really. We were together for such a long time, and we probably know each other better than anyone else may ever know us. We will always love each other on a certain level, but it's time we say goodbye and stop trying to fix something that is broken beyond repair. I think God has given us many signs and signals along the way, that we were fighting too much and too hard for something that He never meant to be. But in our selfishness and anger we ignored Him. I'm glad now to be listening to Him, and I know that a part of you is too. I know that we both agree this is for the best, and I can't tell you how much of a relief it is that we aren't doing this bitterly. That we will be able to do this on a mature adult level to make a better life for each other and for our child. After all, he is what's most important.
I'm sad to say goodbye, but I'm glad that I will always be able to call you my friend and the father of my son. You are a wonderful person, there are so many good qualities in you. We've just grow into two completely different people and we're just not who we used to be. We're not two kids anymore, we're adults and so we can acknowledge our mistakes and right them. I think we're both still in love with the person we fell in love with 7 years ago, and neither of us is that person anymore. We've experienced so much more of life and it's made us into these two people. Wonderful people, but people who are too different to continue their lives together.
It hurts to see you hurting, and I'm sad to let this go, but I know that this is what we should have done all along. I will always care for you, I will always pray for you, you will always be with me in my heart and in my son.

Passive

Dead as dead can be
My doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your RIGHT and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (×4)
You're better off this (×2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

When Christ Gives a Command

Devotional for March 21st

When Christ Gives a Command
"And He sent out two of His disciples and said to them, "Go into the city . . ." - Mark 14:13


The two disciples were given very detailed instructions to go to a certain town and look for a particular man performing a specific task. He would have a large room, furnished and ready to observe the Passover. These instructions might have seemed unusual had it not been their Lord speaking, but the two disciples obeyed and found everything just as Jesus had said. Jesus knew exactly what they would find, and so He guided them specifically. One of the most memorable and precious times the disciples would spend with their Teacher hinged on the obedience of these two.
Obedience to Christ's commands always bring fulfillment. When the Lord gives you instructions, obey immediately. Don't wait until you have figured it all out and everything makes perfect sense to you. Sometimes God will lead you to do thing that you will not fully understand until after you have done them. He does not usually reveal all the details of His will when He first speaks to you. Instead, He tells you enough so you can implement what He has said, but He withholds enough information so that you must continue to rely upon His guidance. Your response will affect what God does next in your life. Your obedience may affect how others around you experience Christ as well. If there is any directive God has given you that you have not obeyed, obey that word immediately and watch God's perfect plan unfold in your life.


************************************************

I've been feeling God asking something of me for a while. But being deaf and blind the way I have been, I wasn't receiving His full message. I'm still not, but it's certainly getting clearer the more I pray and read. I know that part of what He wants of me is to find out who I am, and to start taking care of myself. I'm realizing that there are situations in life where we have to be selfish, we have to put ourselves above some of the ones in our lives we've almost been idolizing by going above and beyond for them. There's a difference between loving and caring for someone and loving too much. I've been reading a lot, I've felt that God is pulling me to, and I'm learning so much about who I am and why I am. And how I can change and become a better person. God has put an amazing person in my life to help guide me and remind me of what my purpose is. And it's not to continually take abuse and pain from someone. It's not to be disrespected and to keep silent to avoid further fights. My purpose is to recover, and become a healthy and whole, functioning human being. In doing this, in obeying this command I am in turn affecting others. I will become a better wife and a better mother because I will know who I am, I will finally have a sense of self and I will be stronger. I will no longer be a codependent helpless person.
I know if nothing else, that God's intention is for me to grow, and I fully intend to do that.

Why Do You Doubt?

Devotional for March 20th

Why Do You Doubt?
"Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. -Matthew 8:25-26

It is by faith that God's mighty power is released into the life of a Christian (Heb. 11:33-35). The fact that you have doubts indicates that you do not know God as you should. If your prayer life is infiltrated with doubts, you have denied yourself the greatest single avenue of power that God has made available to you. Without faith it is impossible to please God ( Heb. 11:6). God never comforts you in your doubt. Jesus consistently rebuked those who would not believe Him. He had revealed enough of Himself for His disciples to have believed Him in their time of need.
God wants to build your understanding of Him until your faith is sufficient to trust and obey Him in each situation (Mark 9:23-25). The moment you turn to Him with a genuine commitment to rid yourself of doubt, God will match your doubt with a revelation of Himself that can convince you of His faithfulness. When Thomas doubted, Jesus revealed Himself to him in such a way that every doubt vanished (John 20:27). You can only resolve your lack of faith in God's presence. He must reveal Himself in such a way that any doubt you might have is removed. Jesus did this with His disciples. He involved them in a consistent, growing relationship with Himself. Jesus took them through teaching, to small miracles, to large miracles, and to the resurrection. Jesus knew that the redemption of the world rested on His disciples' believing Him. What does God want to do in the lives of those around you that waits upon your trust in Him and the removal of your doubts?



************************************************


How fitting that this should be the devotional I read just days after God has put an amazing brother into my life who has essentially been telling me this same thing. There should be no doubts, and when doubt is present nothing will change, one can not grow. God will not comfort you in your doubt, why should He? If you don't have enough faith to trust in Him, why should he have to try harder to make you believe? He won't and He shouldn't. I've been in and out of this funk lately, I've been very confused about major life decisions, and all because I have let my faith falter. I've doubted my Father and taken my trust back. I'm not entirely sure of what He's doing in my life and so I got scared and withdrew my faith. That's the exact opposite of what we should do. If I've learned nothing else lately, it's that God doesn't reveal His entire plan to us right away, He wants us to need Him and trust Him.
He's waiting on my trust right now, and I'm learning how to let go of me, one day at a time, and put a little more trust in Him. I know that until I put my complete trust in Him I will not continue to grow. I won't always get to know everything that's going down and everything that He is doing in my life, and coming from an ACOA background, a background where I was taught to always be in control, that's scary for me. But it's scarier to me to entertain the idea of life without Him, so I am doing my best to let go.

After all, there's beauty in the breakdown.

;)