I'm trying.
I'm trying very hard.
Trying to love you, trying to overlook your imperfections as you throw mine in my face.
I'm trying like hell to fix myself, I'm on my 4th medicine in about as many weeks desperately seeking the right one that will make me "normal" and make my presence bearable for you. I'm trying to be the adult here, trying to be the mature one in our arguments, attempting to remain calm and oblivious as you call me every name you can think of and repeatedly rub in all my past mistakes.
But I'm failing.
Every time you yell at me, eventually I yell back. Every time you call me names, eventually I call you one too, even if it's only 'jerk'.
Every time you take a spiteful shot at me, eventually I take one at you.
Every time you rub my nose in my sins and mistakes, eventually I do the same to you.
My medicine isn't working, in fact every one I have taken so far has made me worse.
Effexor and Prozac had unbearable side effects, Welbutrin made me insanely irritable and aggressive, and so far Remeron has made me damn near narcoleptic.
I can't wake up, I can't concentrate, I can't focus on more than one thing at one time if even that one thing.
I've let the house go, I've procrastinated in every way imaginable, I've let my work slip. I feel like a slob, a horrible wife and an awful mother.
My eating disorder is back, although not as bad as it used to be. I went through a few weeks where I barely ate at all, and now it's all I do.
Of course it could be the medicine, that is a known side effect with virtually all antidepressants, but either way I feel disgusting.
I eat because you make me sad, I eat because you make me mad, I eat because I'm annoyed or lonely or irritated. It's pathetic and disgusting to me. I know I've gained at least a few pounds in this last week, my clothes barely even fit at this point but I just CAN'T stop. It's almost as if I'm under someone else's control, so it's not only disgusting and pathetic but scary too.
I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling out of control, and I hate it that I'm so unhappy that my life has come to this pathetic existence.
I'm unhappy.
I can't stand myself, I can't stand the way you treat me, or the way we live.
I want to be happy.
I want to be valued.
I want to be respected.
I know that although I'm feeling down and sad and unimportant, I am not unimportant.
I know that I am valued by my family and friends.
I know that I am a child of God and by default that makes me beautiful and wonderful.
I know that I don't want to live like this.
I'm realizing who I am, I am talented and funny and creative.
I am pretty despite what my messed up brain tells me.
I'm better than you make me out to be and I'm sick of feeling like I'm any less.
I'm tired of putting all my effort in for nothing.
I'm tired of holding you above all else when to you, I'm nothing more than a pawn in your game.
I'm tired of pouring all my love into this endless black hole.
You.
It is obvious where we rank on your list of priorities when even if you're not provoked your answer to everything is to get rid of us.
I will make a better life for myself, for us, with or without you.
I'm trying very hard.
Trying to love you, trying to overlook your imperfections as you throw mine in my face.
I'm trying like hell to fix myself, I'm on my 4th medicine in about as many weeks desperately seeking the right one that will make me "normal" and make my presence bearable for you. I'm trying to be the adult here, trying to be the mature one in our arguments, attempting to remain calm and oblivious as you call me every name you can think of and repeatedly rub in all my past mistakes.
But I'm failing.
Every time you yell at me, eventually I yell back. Every time you call me names, eventually I call you one too, even if it's only 'jerk'.
Every time you take a spiteful shot at me, eventually I take one at you.
Every time you rub my nose in my sins and mistakes, eventually I do the same to you.
My medicine isn't working, in fact every one I have taken so far has made me worse.
Effexor and Prozac had unbearable side effects, Welbutrin made me insanely irritable and aggressive, and so far Remeron has made me damn near narcoleptic.
I can't wake up, I can't concentrate, I can't focus on more than one thing at one time if even that one thing.
I've let the house go, I've procrastinated in every way imaginable, I've let my work slip. I feel like a slob, a horrible wife and an awful mother.
My eating disorder is back, although not as bad as it used to be. I went through a few weeks where I barely ate at all, and now it's all I do.
Of course it could be the medicine, that is a known side effect with virtually all antidepressants, but either way I feel disgusting.
I eat because you make me sad, I eat because you make me mad, I eat because I'm annoyed or lonely or irritated. It's pathetic and disgusting to me. I know I've gained at least a few pounds in this last week, my clothes barely even fit at this point but I just CAN'T stop. It's almost as if I'm under someone else's control, so it's not only disgusting and pathetic but scary too.
I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling out of control, and I hate it that I'm so unhappy that my life has come to this pathetic existence.
I'm unhappy.
I can't stand myself, I can't stand the way you treat me, or the way we live.
I want to be happy.
I want to be valued.
I want to be respected.
I know that although I'm feeling down and sad and unimportant, I am not unimportant.
I know that I am valued by my family and friends.
I know that I am a child of God and by default that makes me beautiful and wonderful.
I know that I don't want to live like this.
I'm realizing who I am, I am talented and funny and creative.
I am pretty despite what my messed up brain tells me.
I'm better than you make me out to be and I'm sick of feeling like I'm any less.
I'm tired of putting all my effort in for nothing.
I'm tired of holding you above all else when to you, I'm nothing more than a pawn in your game.
I'm tired of pouring all my love into this endless black hole.
You.
It is obvious where we rank on your list of priorities when even if you're not provoked your answer to everything is to get rid of us.
I will make a better life for myself, for us, with or without you.
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