"Telling me to go, but hands beg me to stay.
Your lips say that you love, your eyes say that you hate.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
what you build you lay to waste.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
all I've got's what you didn't take."
But I --- I won't be the one to leave this in pieces.
And you --- you will be alone,
alone with all your secrets and regrets.
Don't lie."
-Linkin Park
It seems like our every waking moment these days is a lie. A lie of love, a lie of happiness, a lie of truth. There's hate beneath the "love", there's contempt and bitterness beneath the "forgiveness", and there are innumerable scars beneath this "perfect exterior" we portray. It feels like I'm swimming the wrong way against a current I just can't break through, like I'm drowning just 3 feet from the shore watching all the people stare on simply witnessing my death and doing nothing to stop it. And you're one of them. You're in the very front, almost smiling. You mock my pain, you rub it in. You create more pain and suffering than I could ever find my own way into and then you laugh at me when I feel the hurt that you intentionally inflict.
I suppose this only further supports my suspicions that I am indeed a masochist. To sit here and take your abuse and take the insanely painful things that come out of your mouth on a daily basis not only makes me masochistic, but probably just a little bit crazy. So I guess you're at least a little bit right when you call me crazy. And I'm well aware of all the things you so often drill into my head. I know that I'm not good enough, I know that I'm not a good wife, not a good mother. I'm fully aware that I just don't have it together. I know I'm not perfect and I can admit when I'm wrong - YES I can. I don't need a constant reminder.
I know that with all I've done wrong I don't deserve to have such a beautiful person. I don't deserve to be the mother of such a precious child, but I am. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time, I know that I can say and do hurtful things just as well as you can, but at least I try to understand you. I try to understand your addictions and pains, I don't pretend they don't exist. I don't accuse you of "faking" them or pretending, even though sometimes I really feel like you could just get past them if you really and truly wanted to. Sometimes things are just wrong. Sometimes things just hurt, and people just aren't whole. I'm not whole, and I'm sorry for that but it's not fair for you to continue chipping away at what little is left of me every day like some forgotten decaying statue. I'm not some object for you to use, abuse, and forget. I don't deserve to be slowly but surely destroyed by a person who should love me and hold me above all else.
Life is so upside down sometimes. When it should be black, it's white. When it should be sunny, it rains. When you know it should be summer, it snows. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I want to just be normal. I want to throw my life completely into God's hands and wave my white flag and know that it will all be ok. I want to be selfish and live my life for ME instead of you. I want to love with all I have and get it all back in the same way instead of pouring all my love into what seems to be an empty black hole. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, but what I've learned in life is that you can't always get what you want. And no, you don't always get what you need. You just get what you get, whether you want it, or need it, or not.
Your lips say that you love, your eyes say that you hate.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
what you build you lay to waste.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
all I've got's what you didn't take."
But I --- I won't be the one to leave this in pieces.
And you --- you will be alone,
alone with all your secrets and regrets.
Don't lie."
-Linkin Park
It seems like our every waking moment these days is a lie. A lie of love, a lie of happiness, a lie of truth. There's hate beneath the "love", there's contempt and bitterness beneath the "forgiveness", and there are innumerable scars beneath this "perfect exterior" we portray. It feels like I'm swimming the wrong way against a current I just can't break through, like I'm drowning just 3 feet from the shore watching all the people stare on simply witnessing my death and doing nothing to stop it. And you're one of them. You're in the very front, almost smiling. You mock my pain, you rub it in. You create more pain and suffering than I could ever find my own way into and then you laugh at me when I feel the hurt that you intentionally inflict.
I suppose this only further supports my suspicions that I am indeed a masochist. To sit here and take your abuse and take the insanely painful things that come out of your mouth on a daily basis not only makes me masochistic, but probably just a little bit crazy. So I guess you're at least a little bit right when you call me crazy. And I'm well aware of all the things you so often drill into my head. I know that I'm not good enough, I know that I'm not a good wife, not a good mother. I'm fully aware that I just don't have it together. I know I'm not perfect and I can admit when I'm wrong - YES I can. I don't need a constant reminder.
I know that with all I've done wrong I don't deserve to have such a beautiful person. I don't deserve to be the mother of such a precious child, but I am. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time, I know that I can say and do hurtful things just as well as you can, but at least I try to understand you. I try to understand your addictions and pains, I don't pretend they don't exist. I don't accuse you of "faking" them or pretending, even though sometimes I really feel like you could just get past them if you really and truly wanted to. Sometimes things are just wrong. Sometimes things just hurt, and people just aren't whole. I'm not whole, and I'm sorry for that but it's not fair for you to continue chipping away at what little is left of me every day like some forgotten decaying statue. I'm not some object for you to use, abuse, and forget. I don't deserve to be slowly but surely destroyed by a person who should love me and hold me above all else.
Life is so upside down sometimes. When it should be black, it's white. When it should be sunny, it rains. When you know it should be summer, it snows. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I want to just be normal. I want to throw my life completely into God's hands and wave my white flag and know that it will all be ok. I want to be selfish and live my life for ME instead of you. I want to love with all I have and get it all back in the same way instead of pouring all my love into what seems to be an empty black hole. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, but what I've learned in life is that you can't always get what you want. And no, you don't always get what you need. You just get what you get, whether you want it, or need it, or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment