An Exchanged Life

Devotional for February 23rd.

An Exchanged Life
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20


The Christian life is an exchanged life; Jesus' life for your life. When Christ takes control, your life takes on dimensions you never would have known apart from Him. When you are weak, then Christ demonstrates His strength in your life (2 Cor. 12:9-10). When you face situations that are beyond your comprehension, you have only to ask, and the infinite wisdom of God is available to you (James 1:5). When you are faced with humanly impossible situations, God does the impossible (Luke 18:27). When you encounter people whom you find difficult to love, God expresses His unconditional love through you (1 John 4:7). When you are at a loss as to what you should pray for someone, the Spirit will guide you in your prayer life (Rom. 8:16). When Christ takes up residence in the life of a believer, "all the fullness of God" is available to that person (Eph. 3:19).
It is marvelously freeing to know that God controls you life and knows what it can become. Rather than constantly worrying about what you will face, your great challenge is to continually release every area of your life to God's control. The temptation will be to try to do by yourself what only God can do. Our assignment is to "abide in the vine" and to allow God to do in and through us what only He can do (John 15:5). Only God can be God. Allow Him to live out His divine life through you. He is the only one who can.

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This devotional speaks to me on so many levels. Not only have I seen many of the things mentioned in the first half done in my life, but the second half is exactly what I needed to see today to reconfirm for me what my Dad just told me last night.
When I've been weak, God has been the strength in my life, more times than I can count. When I've faced situations I couldn't understand, especially lately, not to mention currently, God has been there to guide me and help me if I only listen for Him. When I've faced situations that are completely impossible to me, somehow He always brought me through it if I just gave Him the chance. And more importantly, lately I've had trouble loving some difficult people in my life, but He is helping me day by day, step by step to love them through Him.

The list goes on.

The point is that He's done more for me than I can even explain. And I really needed these words to remind me that what my Dad and other people have been telling me is exactly on the right track. I have felt the free feeling of God being in control for brief periods of my life, but it never lasts long because I always give in to the temptation of trying to do it all myself. It's like my Dad always tells me, "Give it to God" and when it's obvious that I'm trying to do it myself again he tells me "Give it back to Him, you took it back!" lol. He's even suggested that I make a "God box" (which I very well might do here soon). The concept is to make a box where you put all your cares and worries in it, written on sheets of paper. And when you've "taken it back" per se, you have to take it back out of the box until you can "give it back to God".
My Dad also told me last night that I'm not only holding on to things I should be letting go to God, but I'm fighting Him for them. This is why I've decided to stand up. When it comes to my husband, to my friends, and everyone and everything. I'm trying my best to release all things to God, to close my eyes and just let Him lead me by the hand to wherever and whatever He will.

Foolish

Let me start off by letting you know how much you hurt me, on so many levels. You really twisted a knife in my back, because I truly and honestly believed us to be friends. I literally called my father in tears last night asking for his advice and guidance on what to do because it seems lately that between you and my husband I have been opening myself up and giving myself back to people only to allow them to hurt me even more than they did to begin with.


So this is how I feel.



I suppose I should have listened to everyone who told me I was foolish (that's a much kinder word than the ones they used) for not only accepting your apology, but your friendship. But I didn't, and I don't regret it. Because I know without a doubt that at least for that one moment God spoke to both of us and we did the right thing. That hasn't changed for me. I still care for you and your family, I still care about your struggles and your pain and I share much of it.
I believed you when you said we'd put everything aside and no longer act like we have ownership over certain things. I wasn't bothered by the products you posted that were similar to mine, not in the least. And as proof Justin didn't know about them. I admit that before we came to good terms, when you'd post something similar to mine and it bothered me, I always complained to him. He always just got mad at me but he was the only person I could talk to about it. And I can honestly say that since we set our problems aside I have not said one negative word about you to him. Not when you made your cell phone charms, not when you made your micro star vial or your star magnets, not when you made your Pacman and ghost earrings after I made a Pacman and ghost cell phone charm. Because I thought we were friends and I knew you weren't going to do anything to hurt me and my business. And after all they were your interpretation of the characters. We all do things differently.
The fact is we're both in the geekery business, and like you said before, there are only so many video game characters out there that we can make. It would be ridiculous for us to choose which ones each of us could make, to divide them up like selfish children. There's nothing wrong with us making similar products, even as friends, that's just business.
And you were wrong about the star earrings. Yes the girl suggested that I make them a permanent item in my shop, but have I? No. And will I? No. I never intended to because I knew that you already made a similar set and that would be overstepping a line. I will never post them as a permanent item in my shop, whether you decide that you like me again or not. I never would have even made them had she not told me she'd checked other shops and liked mine best. I'm not sorry that different people have different tastes and styles, I have no control over that.
I've even asked you if you were ok with me making certain items that were similar to yours. Why would I do that and then turn around and try to stab you in the back? Why would I purchase something from you so that you could have money for your daughter when you complained that you didn't and then turn around and "steal sales" from you? That doesn't make any sense no matter what you say, and I am not that kind of person. I've been completely open, honest, and genuine with you. I sincerely cared, I opened up to you, I told you things I was struggling with and offered to help you with yours. I've prayed for you and even asked family and friends to pray for you and your family as well. Why would I do that for someone I'm trying to ruin?
I think you're so used to being attacked, so used to being kicked when you're down that you're overly paranoid about it and now just assume that everyone is out to get you. But I wasn't. And I'm not. I have apologized to you for the awful things that I've said and done, and I was sincere. I have truly forgiven you for the hurtful things you've said and done as well. I know that I have done some awful and stupid things in the past, but that was before I truly had God in my life. That was before I truly began on a better path. But I'm on this path now, and I have no intentions of straying, it feels good to do the right thing.
And as much as you've accused me of it in the past, I have never been a conceited person. Ask any person that knows me, ask people that don't even like me and they will tell you that I've always lacked self esteem and have never been one to brag or rub things in people's faces. I have every right to be excited when my hard work is recognized, and I've given all credit to God where it belongs just like my Dad reminds me to. I give my 10% tithe from my business every month, just like my Dad reminds me to. Not to seem bigger than anyone, not because I think I'm better, but because it's the right thing to do. No one but my Dad and my husband even knew about my tithing until just now. If I was as conceited as you imply, I would have posted that all over my Facebook in a heartbeat. But I'm not, I never will be.
I've been praying that God would allow yours eyes to be open to the truth, that he would let you see who I really am, but I suppose they haven't been and that you don't. And so I suppose this is it. I wrestled with the idea of washing my hands of all this, because I felt like I would be wrong to delete you from everything and stop trying. I thought what God wanted was for me to fix things no matter what. But my Dad brought it to my attention that God never tells us that we have to be friends with everyone, He never says we have to let people walk all over us and beg for their forgiveness. All He asks is that we forgive them and make it known that we have no qualms with them. And I've done that. I've forgiven you, and I've apologized to you numerous times. I've done what God has asked of me, and so I guess this is the end of our road. I won't be a foolish, naive little girl anymore. I won't continue to be stepped on and unevenly yoke myself, I will let go of the people and things in my life that refuse to allow me to help them and love them. I will not let you play games with me and hurt me. And I won't let my husband do that anymore either. Like you said, I'm standing up for myself for the first time in my life. But I'm doing this God's way. In no way am I saying that I no longer care, that I dislike you, or that I hate you. You are my sister in Christ and I do still care about you very much. I will still keep you in my thoughts and prayers, but I won't let this hurtful game go on any longer. That's not God's will for anyone.

God Bless,
Ash

Fighting (For all the WRONG Reasons)

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Lately I've had this feeling building up inside me, like there's something big on the horizon. I feel like I'm at a real crossroads in my life, a turning point. Something in me is changing drastically, and it feels amazing. I've had an incredibly low self esteem all my life, I've never thought myself to be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough. I've never believed that I am talented or good at anything. But that's been changing. I've had friends asking me why I can't see the good things in myself, why I allow myself to believe that I am so insignificant. The fact is some of the people closest to me and some of the people I've opened myself up to most have called me worthless, lazy and stupid among other things. They've called in to question my best intentions and made me truly feel like I'm just an awful person.
But I know how far I've come with God. I know that I am on the right path and doing the right thing and that my intentions are nothing but the best. I can recognize now that I am a child of God and that by default makes me beautiful. It makes me wonderful, and talented. There is no reason for me to feel ashamed of that. I've given all credit to God, where it belongs, not to myself. I know that it isn't me who's gotten this far, God has done many works in my life to bring me here. He has put many trials and tribulations in my life to teach me and to help me grow.
As a human being I will never be totally selfless, but I'm happy to say that I'm a lot less selfish than I used to be. I can say that I really do put others before myself at all times, even if they're just kicking me when I'm down.
I've beat myself up for past mistakes and past sins on a daily basis for years, I've allowed people to hold my past mistakes over my head instead of just remembering that I've become a better person. I was talking to my Dad about this the other day, and I was defending the people who are hurting me because I feel like I deserve it after all I've done. But then he said something to me that really woke me up. He said "Ashley, God has forgiven you for those things, right?" And of course I said yes. He continued "Are you better than God, then?" I asked what he meant and he said "If God is willing to forgive you, to 'cast your sins as far as the east is from the west', if He is willing to throw them away and remember them no more, then who are you not to forgive yourself? You must think you're better than Him." Obviously I answered with "Of course not!!" and so he told me to let it go. Let go of what I've done, it's not between me and the people I've hurt anymore, but between me and God, and He's already forgiven me.
And I realized today that I've been fighting for all the wrong reasons. I've been fighting so hard to right all my wrongs with people, when I don't even have to. My Dad told me today that everyone makes bad decisions, but for some reason I just want to hold onto mine and try to fix everything, but that's not my job. I am forgiven and that is the most important thing. All I can do from here on out is love as God tells me to, help people and pray for people as He tells me to, and just live my life the best way that I can, the way that He intended.
I should love myself. Not in a conceited way, but because that's what He wants. If I don't love myself how can I love anyone else? And as a creation of God, if I don't love myself am I not questioning Him and His work? I refuse to do that any longer. I am a wonderful, beautiful, talented person. And no one will convince me otherwise from this point forward because I hold God's opinion above anyone else's. I'm going to start fighting for all the right reasons.

Let's Just Be Honest

I'm trying.

I'm trying very hard.

Trying to love you, trying to overlook your imperfections as you throw mine in my face.

I'm trying like hell to fix myself, I'm on my 4th medicine in about as many weeks desperately seeking the right one that will make me "normal" and make my presence bearable for you. I'm trying to be the adult here, trying to be the mature one in our arguments, attempting to remain calm and oblivious as you call me every name you can think of and repeatedly rub in all my past mistakes.

But I'm failing.

Every time you yell at me, eventually I yell back. Every time you call me names, eventually I call you one too, even if it's only 'jerk'.
Every time you take a spiteful shot at me, eventually I take one at you.
Every time you rub my nose in my sins and mistakes, eventually I do the same to you.

My medicine isn't working, in fact every one I have taken so far has made me worse.
Effexor and Prozac had unbearable side effects, Welbutrin made me insanely irritable and aggressive, and so far Remeron has made me damn near narcoleptic.
I can't wake up, I can't concentrate, I can't focus on more than one thing at one time if even that one thing.
I've let the house go, I've procrastinated in every way imaginable, I've let my work slip. I feel like a slob, a horrible wife and an awful mother.
My eating disorder is back, although not as bad as it used to be. I went through a few weeks where I barely ate at all, and now it's all I do.
Of course it could be the medicine, that is a known side effect with virtually all antidepressants, but either way I feel disgusting.
I eat because you make me sad, I eat because you make me mad, I eat because I'm annoyed or lonely or irritated. It's pathetic and disgusting to me. I know I've gained at least a few pounds in this last week, my clothes barely even fit at this point but I just CAN'T stop. It's almost as if I'm under someone else's control, so it's not only disgusting and pathetic but scary too.
I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling out of control, and I hate it that I'm so unhappy that my life has come to this pathetic existence.

I'm unhappy.

I can't stand myself, I can't stand the way you treat me, or the way we live.
I want to be happy.
I want to be valued.
I want to be respected.
I know that although I'm feeling down and sad and unimportant, I am not unimportant.
I know that I am valued by my family and friends.
I know that I am a child of God and by default that makes me beautiful and wonderful.
I know that I don't want to live like this.
I'm realizing who I am, I am talented and funny and creative.
I am pretty despite what my messed up brain tells me.
I'm better than you make me out to be and I'm sick of feeling like I'm any less.
I'm tired of putting all my effort in for nothing.
I'm tired of holding you above all else when to you, I'm nothing more than a pawn in your game.
I'm tired of pouring all my love into this endless black hole.
You.
It is obvious where we rank on your list of priorities when even if you're not provoked your answer to everything is to get rid of us.

I will make a better life for myself, for us, with or without you.

Learning to Love

Devotional for February 15

Learning to Love
"And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you.... But concerning brotherly love you have no need that I should write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another." 1 Thessalonians 3:12; 4:9

God is love (1 John 4:16). His very nature is perfect love, but because of sin love does not always come freely and naturally to his children. You may have been raised in a home where love was not expressed. Perhaps you were hurt by someone you loved, and your heart became hardened as a defense against further pain. You may love others but not know how to express your love in words or actions. You may feel frustrated because you have been called by God to love, yet you do not understand how to love others.
Paul wrote to the Christians in Thessalonica to encourage them not to become disheartened as they learned to love each other (1 Thess. 3:7). The did not need Paul to explain to them how to love, for God Himself would teach them how to love one another. God would give them His love, and as they followed Him, He would cause that love to multiply. If they found someone that was difficult to love, God would enable them to love through His Holy Spirit.
God in His grace has made provision for our human weakness, and He is prepared to teach us how to love one another. There are no exceptions. God can teach us to love even that especially difficult person.
Are you struggling to love someone? God will help you. He will enable you to love your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends, or your enemy in a deeper way than you could ever love them on your own. If you do not know how to express your love in a meaningful way, God will teach you how to do this. God is the authority on love. As you relate to others, ask God to make His love overflow to them through your life.

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Yet another devotional that I feel specifically speaks to my heart at this point in my life. I've found it very difficult lately to love a certain person in my life for many, many reasons from things they have done to things that they have said and continue to say to hurt me where they know it hurts most. I know that this person is very important to me, and means more to me than most, but it's been especially difficult for me to continue to love them in the face of all the harmful things they say and do on a daily basis.
I feel this specific devotional is speaking to my heart on that matter and reminding me that even when I feel hopeless and I feel like giving up on someone I should continue to stick it out and pray harder and pray more for God to give me the strength and love I need to continue to care for this person.
There have been so many moments lately when I just want to give up, throw my hands up and say "Sorry God, you know I tried" but I know that those words would never justify my failure. Giving up at this point would be ridiculous on top of the fact that it would be incredibly damaging for my entire family. For myself, my child, my husband, for everyone I have to continue on this path and just continue asking God to give me the grace and peace I need when I need it to get through this fight as He intends me to.
I'm very guilty lately of snapping back with hurtful thoughts and words of my own. Although I pray that I can be the woman God wants me to be, and to react to hurtful words and situations as a Christian woman would, I continuously fail and give in to my hurt and anger. My goal for this coming week is to stand my ground and to remain firm in my faith rather than giving in and allowing my anger to win. I want to be able to be faithful in every manner and I know that I have to do this a little at a time and pray on a daily basis for God's strength and guidance.
Is there someone that you are struggling to love? Just remember that God can help us love anyone, even those we consider to be our worst enemies, all we have to do is ask and pray.

Love Assumes the Best

Devotional for February 13th.

Love Assumes the Best
"Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." -1 Corinthians 13:7

Love has no limits. Love never says, "You've gone too far. I can't love you now." "All thing" means everything is included. Christlike love leaves no doubt in the mind of another that you will continue to love steadfastly. Do those close to you know that they can fail and do foolish things, yet you will not falter in your love for them? Are others assured that, even when they hurt you, you still love them, holding nothing against them?
Love assumes the best about others. If someone inadvertently offends you, you choose to believe the offense was unintentional. If someone seeks to harm you, "bear all things," forgiving unconditionally. If a positive light can be shed on a difficult encounter, you grasp it. If someone continually provokes you, you "endure all things." You never lose hope in the ones you love. You practice the same unconditional love toward others that Christ gives you.
Paul said that he was nothing if he had the faith to move mountains, the tongue of an angel, and the gift of prophecy to understand all mysteries, yet did not have God's love. It is unacceptable to say, "Well, I just can't love people that way!" When God loves people through you, this is the only kind of love He has! Read 1 Corinthians 13 with gratitude that God has already expressed this complete ad selfless love to you. Pray and ask Him to express it through you now, to others.

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God sure does listen and pay close attention to our lives, and this entry is proof for me. More than anything today, I needed to read these words and I know in my heart that he meant this specifically to encourage me. You may say that no matter what I would have read this, whether I needed it or not but I don't believe in coincidence. On a day when I needed more than anything to read these words they were there, every single one speaking to my heart.
I've had a lot of doubt lately and I've really been struggling to love some people in my life, people who repeatedly hurt me both unintentionally and intentionally. I truly needed to be reminded today that true love is not conditional.
The people in my life, more specifically the men, have done and said some truly awful and terrible things to me, some of them repeatedly and seemingly without provocation and without care. I've always been one to forgive quickly, even when I didn't want to. Not saying that I forget, because I don't think we ever honestly forget the wrongs done to us, at least our hearts don't I think they always carry the scars, but in any case I'm very quick to move on once an apology has been made. Lately I've felt that that makes me weak, I've even felt walked on because some of the people who are hurting me continue to do so no matter how often I forgive them. I've really felt like I'm only enabling them to continue hurting me and I really needed to see these specific words on this specific page today to remind me that it's just the way a Christian should live their life, and Cyndy if you're reading this, I think you needed these words too. Jesus was spat on and tortured and still he stayed, still he took the abuse and not only forgave his tormentors, but prayed for them. So I choose to do that now with encouragement from this devotional and I know there are many out there who can do the same, I hope this speaks to your hearts the way it's spoken to mine.

Want.

"Telling me to go, but hands beg me to stay.
Your lips say that you love, your eyes say that you hate.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
what you build you lay to waste.
There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith,
all I've got's what you didn't take."

But I --- I won't be the one to leave this in pieces.
And you --- you will be alone,
alone with all your secrets and regrets.
Don't lie."
-Linkin Park

It seems like our every waking moment these days is a lie. A lie of love, a lie of happiness, a lie of truth. There's hate beneath the "love", there's contempt and bitterness beneath the "forgiveness", and there are innumerable scars beneath this "perfect exterior" we portray. It feels like I'm swimming the wrong way against a current I just can't break through, like I'm drowning just 3 feet from the shore watching all the people stare on simply witnessing my death and doing nothing to stop it. And you're one of them. You're in the very front, almost smiling. You mock my pain, you rub it in. You create more pain and suffering than I could ever find my own way into and then you laugh at me when I feel the hurt that you intentionally inflict.
I suppose this only further supports my suspicions that I am indeed a masochist. To sit here and take your abuse and take the insanely painful things that come out of your mouth on a daily basis not only makes me masochistic, but probably just a little bit crazy. So I guess you're at least a little bit right when you call me crazy. And I'm well aware of all the things you so often drill into my head. I know that I'm not good enough, I know that I'm not a good wife, not a good mother. I'm fully aware that I just don't have it together. I know I'm not perfect and I can admit when I'm wrong - YES I can. I don't need a constant reminder.
I know that with all I've done wrong I don't deserve to have such a beautiful person. I don't deserve to be the mother of such a precious child, but I am. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time, I know that I can say and do hurtful things just as well as you can, but at least I try to understand you. I try to understand your addictions and pains, I don't pretend they don't exist. I don't accuse you of "faking" them or pretending, even though sometimes I really feel like you could just get past them if you really and truly wanted to. Sometimes things are just wrong. Sometimes things just hurt, and people just aren't whole. I'm not whole, and I'm sorry for that but it's not fair for you to continue chipping away at what little is left of me every day like some forgotten decaying statue. I'm not some object for you to use, abuse, and forget. I don't deserve to be slowly but surely destroyed by a person who should love me and hold me above all else.
Life is so upside down sometimes. When it should be black, it's white. When it should be sunny, it rains. When you know it should be summer, it snows. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. I want to just be normal. I want to throw my life completely into God's hands and wave my white flag and know that it will all be ok. I want to be selfish and live my life for ME instead of you. I want to love with all I have and get it all back in the same way instead of pouring all my love into what seems to be an empty black hole. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, but what I've learned in life is that you can't always get what you want. And no, you don't always get what you need. You just get what you get, whether you want it, or need it, or not.

Be Anxious for Nothing

Devotional for February 8th.

Be anxious for Nothing
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6


Don't be anxious! Paul said there is nothing that should cause a child of God to worry. He was well aware of things that cause anxiety. His nation was occupied by a foreign army and ruled by corrupt leaders. He was writing from prison, where he was bring held as a result of false accusations. He was separated from those he loved; his motives had been questioned; and he had been misrepresented. Some were trying to undermine all that he had accomplished in starting churches. he suffered physically and faced imminent execution (2 Cor. 11:23-29). Yet Paul said there would never be a crisis so troubling that God could not bring peace in the midst of it!
God will not necessarily take your problems away, but He will carry the load for you. He wants you to experience His peace, which is beyond human comprehension. You will never fully understand how God could give you peace in some of the situations you face, but you do not have to understand it in order to experience it. This peace is not just for those who "handle stress well"; it is for everyone! You may know that God wants you to experience peace but wonder how this is possible, given what you are presently facing. Yet, scripture says to be anxious for nothing. God's word clearly indicates that there is nothing you can face that is too difficult, too troubling, or too fearful for God. No matter what your circumstances are, turn your anxiety over to God and let His perfect peace guard your heart.

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In February 7th's devotional it is stated that worry is sin. It is not from God and to worry means that you don't have faith in Him, that you don't believe He can handle all things. It is absolutely true that to worry is to sin, and not only to sin but to be disrespectful in every way to the one who cares for us most. I am probably more guilty of this than most people I know. I worry about everything from money to my son, to my marriage, to what to make for dinner! It's wrong of me to do this and I know it, and I think with this devotional and the one previous to it God is really working with my heart to try to coax me into peace. I have felt God's peace only a handful of times in my life, most recently during my separation from my husband. In a time when I should have been crying, should have been stressing and quite simply breaking down, I had so much peace I couldn't even fathom it. And I couldn't understand why, now I know that I had the peace that He gave me so that I could make it through such unhappy circumstances, but I long to feel that peace again.
If I could have peace in such awful times, how can I not have peace now when my marriage is intact, my husband has a job, I have a business, we have a roof over our heads, and a beautiful son. Not to mention many wonderful and understanding family and friends between the two of us. We are so blessed and so lucky to have all the amazing things we have, who on earth am I to worry? There are so many people on this planet with so many lesser things, people who have no home and do not know if tomorrow they will have something to eat much less a little extra money for spending. And many of those people worry less than I do. Many of those people have learned to trust God so wholly and completely that they stress about nothing, even in their difficult circumstances.
I have worked on forgiveness, and although I have not mastered it and am well aware that I never will, I know that I have come very far and learned much more about how to forgive and even to love those who hurt me. Now it's my time to work on peace, to stop worrying about the big things, the little things, and everything in between. Time for me to start trusting and giving my life and all its problems big and small over to my Father, the one who cares for me and can bring me through anything. Is it that time for you as well?