Passive

Dead as dead can be
My doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your RIGHT and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (×4)
You're better off this (×2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

When Christ Gives a Command

Devotional for March 21st

When Christ Gives a Command
"And He sent out two of His disciples and said to them, "Go into the city . . ." - Mark 14:13


The two disciples were given very detailed instructions to go to a certain town and look for a particular man performing a specific task. He would have a large room, furnished and ready to observe the Passover. These instructions might have seemed unusual had it not been their Lord speaking, but the two disciples obeyed and found everything just as Jesus had said. Jesus knew exactly what they would find, and so He guided them specifically. One of the most memorable and precious times the disciples would spend with their Teacher hinged on the obedience of these two.
Obedience to Christ's commands always bring fulfillment. When the Lord gives you instructions, obey immediately. Don't wait until you have figured it all out and everything makes perfect sense to you. Sometimes God will lead you to do thing that you will not fully understand until after you have done them. He does not usually reveal all the details of His will when He first speaks to you. Instead, He tells you enough so you can implement what He has said, but He withholds enough information so that you must continue to rely upon His guidance. Your response will affect what God does next in your life. Your obedience may affect how others around you experience Christ as well. If there is any directive God has given you that you have not obeyed, obey that word immediately and watch God's perfect plan unfold in your life.


************************************************

I've been feeling God asking something of me for a while. But being deaf and blind the way I have been, I wasn't receiving His full message. I'm still not, but it's certainly getting clearer the more I pray and read. I know that part of what He wants of me is to find out who I am, and to start taking care of myself. I'm realizing that there are situations in life where we have to be selfish, we have to put ourselves above some of the ones in our lives we've almost been idolizing by going above and beyond for them. There's a difference between loving and caring for someone and loving too much. I've been reading a lot, I've felt that God is pulling me to, and I'm learning so much about who I am and why I am. And how I can change and become a better person. God has put an amazing person in my life to help guide me and remind me of what my purpose is. And it's not to continually take abuse and pain from someone. It's not to be disrespected and to keep silent to avoid further fights. My purpose is to recover, and become a healthy and whole, functioning human being. In doing this, in obeying this command I am in turn affecting others. I will become a better wife and a better mother because I will know who I am, I will finally have a sense of self and I will be stronger. I will no longer be a codependent helpless person.
I know if nothing else, that God's intention is for me to grow, and I fully intend to do that.

Why Do You Doubt?

Devotional for March 20th

Why Do You Doubt?
"Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. -Matthew 8:25-26

It is by faith that God's mighty power is released into the life of a Christian (Heb. 11:33-35). The fact that you have doubts indicates that you do not know God as you should. If your prayer life is infiltrated with doubts, you have denied yourself the greatest single avenue of power that God has made available to you. Without faith it is impossible to please God ( Heb. 11:6). God never comforts you in your doubt. Jesus consistently rebuked those who would not believe Him. He had revealed enough of Himself for His disciples to have believed Him in their time of need.
God wants to build your understanding of Him until your faith is sufficient to trust and obey Him in each situation (Mark 9:23-25). The moment you turn to Him with a genuine commitment to rid yourself of doubt, God will match your doubt with a revelation of Himself that can convince you of His faithfulness. When Thomas doubted, Jesus revealed Himself to him in such a way that every doubt vanished (John 20:27). You can only resolve your lack of faith in God's presence. He must reveal Himself in such a way that any doubt you might have is removed. Jesus did this with His disciples. He involved them in a consistent, growing relationship with Himself. Jesus took them through teaching, to small miracles, to large miracles, and to the resurrection. Jesus knew that the redemption of the world rested on His disciples' believing Him. What does God want to do in the lives of those around you that waits upon your trust in Him and the removal of your doubts?



************************************************


How fitting that this should be the devotional I read just days after God has put an amazing brother into my life who has essentially been telling me this same thing. There should be no doubts, and when doubt is present nothing will change, one can not grow. God will not comfort you in your doubt, why should He? If you don't have enough faith to trust in Him, why should he have to try harder to make you believe? He won't and He shouldn't. I've been in and out of this funk lately, I've been very confused about major life decisions, and all because I have let my faith falter. I've doubted my Father and taken my trust back. I'm not entirely sure of what He's doing in my life and so I got scared and withdrew my faith. That's the exact opposite of what we should do. If I've learned nothing else lately, it's that God doesn't reveal His entire plan to us right away, He wants us to need Him and trust Him.
He's waiting on my trust right now, and I'm learning how to let go of me, one day at a time, and put a little more trust in Him. I know that until I put my complete trust in Him I will not continue to grow. I won't always get to know everything that's going down and everything that He is doing in my life, and coming from an ACOA background, a background where I was taught to always be in control, that's scary for me. But it's scarier to me to entertain the idea of life without Him, so I am doing my best to let go.

After all, there's beauty in the breakdown.

;)

Buggaboo (Bugaboo)

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=safari&rls=en&defl=en&q=define:bugaboo&ei=BYamS_2EEJC1tgeAi-WmCg&sa=X&oi=glossary_definition&ct=title&ved=0CAYQkAE

Thank yoooooou, Kolby.

Let Go

"Let Go"

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]

[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

You DESERVE to be here.

"You DESERVE to be here"

I read that quote in the book Perfect Daughters last night and it really hit my heart. I DO deserve to be here, and so that's how I'm starting my day today.

Deserving life.

=]

I feel like I've been incredibly blind for such a long time always having such a negative opinion of myself and lacking self esteem. There ARE some pretty great things about me! And if people don't like me for the wonderful person God created me to be, then the problem lies within them, not me. I am a kind person, I love to help people, I love to listen. I'm always there for those I love, even when it's hard for me to be. I will go above and beyond for the people that I care about. I'm loving, I'm sensitive, I'm creative, I'm funny. I'm pretty darn great. =]

And of course I'm not saying any of this to be conceited, I am in recovery.

If you knew my life as an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) you would understand.

I'm only just now, in year 21, learning who I am, learning to love myself. Finally after all this time accepting myself and my mistakes, the good parts and the bad parts of me.

I'm GROWING.

Physically, mentally, spiritually.

And it feels so amazing.

=]

God's Provision Brings Glory

Devotional for March 18th.

God's Provision Brings Glory
"Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." - Psalm 50:15

Did you know that you bring glory to God by calling upon Him when you are in distress? God promised He would deliver you if you turned to Him. You deny the Lord honor that is rightfully His every time you find yourself in difficulty and you fail to call upon Him for help! There may be times when God allows you to reach a point of need so that you can call upon Him, and thus let Him demonstrate to a watching world the difference He makes in the lives of His children. If God never allowed you to experience need, people around you might never have the chance to witness God's provision in the life of a Christian. If you never faced a shortfall, you might be tempted to feel self-sufficient and without any need of God in your daily life.
Pride will tempt you to think that you don't need to seek God's assistance. Self-regard will seek to convince you that you can handle your dilemma through your own wisdom, resources, and hard work. Pride will also rob glory from God and seek to give it to you. Don't allow your pride to take what rightfully belongs to the Lord. Call upon your Lord and wait exclusively upon Him to rescue you. Then give Him the glory that He deserves.
Self-sufficiency can greatly hinder your ability to experience God and bring Him honor. The next time you are in distress, turn to Him!

****************************************************

I don't know about you, whoever you may be, but in my life I know I've found it hard to turn to God at times simply out of guilt. Likely out of pride as well, but more often out of the feeling of guilt. Why guilt, you ask? Because I've often felt that I was only calling on Him when I needed Him instead of constantly praising Him. I felt that He might resent me for that and not help me. So imagine my relief when I read this particular devotional. =]
It doesn't matter if you and God haven't spoken in minutes, days, months, or years. What matters is that you DO call on Him. He wants us to call on Him, to ask His assistance, to let Him know that we need Him and to give Him all the glory and honor He deserves.
So don't feel pride, don't feel guilt, just allow yourself to feel LOVE for Him and ask Him for help when you need Him and especially when you think you don't.

=]

<3

Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
(Don't drop your arms)
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

A Little Wisdom

My best friend recently introduced me to a book called "Perfect Daughters." It's a book about children, specifically daughters, of alcoholic parents and what effects it has on you as a person. It explores everything from your self esteem to parenting style. And it's been a real eye opener for me on so many levels. I don't believe in blaming people, and I certainly don't blame my parents, but depending on what point in your life you were introduced to your parents' alcoholism, it really effects certain aspects of your personality and who you become. Of course once you realize this the power to change is in your hands. It's really good to know why I act a certain way, why I lack self esteem, why I used to be so shy, why it is so hard for me to trust and why I am in the relationship I'm currently in.
Anyway, enough about that, I'm sure I'll post more about it later. The point is I've actually ordered some more books that "Perfect Daughters" mentions and uses quotes from. One of them is called "Women Who Love Too Much." It's a book about women who are addicted to relationships, or more specifically certain people. Which is yet another effect of being raised by alcoholic parents, being drawn to emotionally and spiritually unavailable men and people. I also ordered the daily meditation version of this book, I haven't started reading the actual book but I thought it important to catch up to today's current date in the daily meditation version. These are a few that stood out for me:

February 7:
When you stop taking care of him and take care of yourself instead, the man in your life may become very angry and accuse you of not caring about him anymore. This anger generates from his panic at having to become responsible for his own life. As long as he can fight with you, make you promises, or try to win you back, his struggle is outside, with you, and not inside with himself. Give him back his life, and take back your own.
(Even in just the feeble attempts I've made at healing for myself, I've already experienced this one.)

February 11:
When a woman who loves too much gives up her crusade to change the man in her life, he is then left to ponder the consequences of his own behavior. Since she is no longer frustrated and unhappy, but rather is becoming more and more excited about life, the contrast to his own troubled existence intensifies. No matter what he then chooses to do, by accepting the man in her life exactly as he is, a woman becomes free, one way or another, to live her own life --- happily ever after.

February 12:
Forgiving doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be hurt again; it means, among other things, detaching so that we don't take another's actions toward us so personally.
Far from making us weak people who can be stepped on by others, forgiveness frees us so that we never have to allow ourselves to be treated badly again.

March 16:
Very few of us who love too much have a conviction, at the core of our being, that we deserve to love and be loved simply because we exist. We believe instead that we harbor terrible faults or flaws and that we must do good works in order to make up for this. We live with guilt that we have these shortcomings and in terror of being found out. We work very, very hard at trying to appear to be good because we don't believe we are.



I will likely add more as I find ones that I feel pertain to me and my life and those in my life.

God's Measure for Forgiveness

God's Measure for Forgiveness
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

Perhaps you consider yourself a forgiving person, but are now facing someone whom you cannot forgive. Whenever you struggle to forgive, you need to revisit what you were like when God first forgave you. Ephesians 2 indicates that you were a "foreigner" and a "child of wrath." Yet God forgave your most grievous sin and rebellion against Him. While you were still rejecting God, Christ died for you (Rom. 5:8). This being so, how can you refuse to forgive those who sin against you? Forgiveness is not a spiritual gift, a skill, or an inherited trait. Forgiveness is a choice. Jesus looked down on those who had ruthlessly and mockingly nailed Him to a cross, yet He cried out: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). How then can we refuse to forgive those who have committed offenses against us?
Jesus said that the measure in which we are forgiving is the same standard God will use in forgiving us. God's ways are very different from ours. God's forgiveness is not based on standards we determine, but on the standards He established in His word. God allows for no exceptions when it comes to forgiveness.
As we truly understand God's gracious forgiveness in our lives, we will naturally want to express this same forgiveness to others (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13). Before you ask God for His forgiveness, take a moment to examine the condition of your relationships. Would you want God to forgive you in the same way you are presently forgiving others?

***************************************************

Today's devotional is especially eye-opening for me. Although I've heard and read the same exact concept at least a dozen times, and have thought about it at least to some extent, I don't believe I've ever actually given it the amount of thought that it deserves. I know the principle well, it's been drilled into my head over the years, especially lately: if you don't forgive, you aren't forgiven. As daunting as that sounds I guess it just hasn't been enough for me to really snap out of this whole grudge holding stupor. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the one thing in my life that I really have control over, if it's something subconscious that I just can't let go of, or if it's some other ridiculous or selfish reason. But I know that I need to give it more thought.
I know that forgiveness is a choice, what I'm not sure of is exactly how to go about doing it. I know that at least part of me wants to. I want to forgive my husband, even for things that he continues to do. I want to forgive the girl he was involved with. I keep saying that I do, I keep thinking that I do but sooner or later when I sit down and think about it I still have negative thoughts about her. When her name randomly pops into my head I still feel a flash of intense anger and I know that means that I have not yet reached forgiveness. I do know one thing, my answer to the last question posed in this devotional. And it's a resounding "no." If God forgave me in the same way that I've been forgiving, I'd be on the fast track to hell.
So what to do? I suppose this is one of those things that I need to sit down and pray about intensely. It's one of those things that I'm really going to have to think through and pick apart. Today, I think, is the first time I've truly understood this. And maybe I still don't completely understand it, but this is the first time I've understood it this way. It's the first time I've had that question asked of me, "Would you want God to forgive you in the same way you are presently forgiving other?" That one simple question has broken through my cloudy thoughts and struck something in my mind. It's started a whole new thought process about this concept. I don't want to remain unforgiven, so what right do I have to continue holding grudges against these people? Who am I? Am I better than God to believe that even when he has forgiven them, I reserve the right not to? I am not, and essentially that is what I'm saying by holding on to these grudges so tightly that my knuckles are white. "I'm better than God." How humbling this devotional has been for me, how eye-opening and thought provoking.
I think God has intentionally drawn focus to this aspect of my life. I've been praying for lots of things, for lots of people. But one of the main things I need to pray for is for the willingness and strength I need to forgive the people who have hurt me. I am not better than God, and I know that. So it's probably about time that I start acting like it.

Scents and Memories

I lay my head on my pillow
Searching for a moment of respite
But instead I find your scent
and I can feel my heart fracture.

I breathe it in
a sharp painful breath
stabbing in my lungs like a thousand tiny swords
and I cry.

For you, for me.
I cry for us.
For what we stand for today,
for what we stood for yesterday.

I cry for memories lost
for the ones that remain.
I mourn for happiness
and for feelings I will never feel again.

I linger here a moment more
to imagine life without you
and imagine what our life would be
had we lasted and not faltered.

Oh, the pain and the sorrow
the wrenching emptiness I feel
to envision possibilities of happiness
if only I'd remained alone.

Reaffirmation at its finest.

I love it when I know that God has reaffirmed something in my life.
When it's so obvious that it absolutely can not be denied.
I don't believe in coincidence.

This was said to me today by a complete stranger who does not even know my situation:

"Scripture tells us to tell our brother (or sister of course) once, tell them twice, then a third time, then if they rebuke you you have done all you were called to do. Christ made it really simple. You still pray for them. But it's pointless to waste our breath on people who don't want to leave sin and come back. They have to do it on their own time. That's what pride is. That's what the fall of man was. As well as the Angelic fall of Lucifer. It all revolves around the same concept. Know your intentions in your heart and tell them gently as well."

Enough said.hurt,

Enough

I thought we had agreed on a lot of things, but every time you seem to be having a bad day all those agreements just go flying out the window and you treat me as low as you see fit at the moment.
I love that sometimes you can admit you're pushing me away on purpose and sometimes you can do the most absurd things and then accuse me of being the problem.
It's a good thing you were supposed to let me know before the next time you had an atomic meltdown for no good reason, if there are underlying issues (and there must be because I refuse to believe you'd end our friendship over a generic nickname) then I'm sorry but I can't read your mind. If you can't be upfront and honest with me and let me know what the heck is going on then it's all on you.
Don't expect my sympathy from this point forward.
From this moment on I will not be checking your shops, your blogs, your pages or shops. So feel free to bash me to your heart's content, which you've already begun to do.
Say it all you wish, but this has been NOTHING near convenient for me. As much as I do hate to say it for fear of hurting your feelings, it's been nothing but inconvenient for me.
It's been only slightly less stressful being your friend than it was being your enemy.
"Friends" shouldn't have to constantly stress about not stepping on toes. Pretty sure you never had to do that with me.
No matter the similarities I saw in the stuff you posted, no matter the "lines" I felt you crossed, I let it slide.
Simply because I considered you a friend.
You never felt that way about me regardless of what you say. You talked to me a handful of times, never even opening up to me. Constantly just looking for a reason to push me away.
I put up with all your meltdowns and tirades. Sure I got frustrated and questioned it was worth it.
Apparently it wasn't. I did nothing but give to our friendship and you did nothing but take. I tried to at least sympathize with you when you had a problem, but when I had one you completely ignored it and talked about something else.
I reached out to you.
I wanted to help you.
I tried to help you and relate to you and every time you've shot me down.
If you want me out of your life that is FINE by me, I could do with a little less stress.
But don't switch it all around in another few days and try to use your issues as an excuse for why you acted the way you did.
Because this time, sweetie, I'm not buyin.

No One Owes You ANYTHING

"Yeah, I get it,

You're an outcast.

Always under attack.

Always coming in last,

Bringing up the past.

No one owes you anything."
-Shinedown 'Sound of Madness'


I'm really glad my friend brought this up to me and showed me these. It perfectly describes your behavior in every way. And the funny thing is, as soon as I explained just a few of the things you've said and done she showed me these. Funny how some people can see through you right away and its taken me over a year. Well now I see, the problem and it was never me. I don't feel even the slightest amount of guilt anymore because I know that everything you've been accusing me of is just created in your head and I won't do this anymore.

NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Paranoid Personality Disorder Symptoms

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
• is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
• is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
• reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
• persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
• perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
• has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

Eyes That See, Ears That Hear.

Devotional for March 1st.

Eyes That See, Ears That Hear
"But blessed are your eyes for they see and your ears for they hear." Matthew 13:16

When you became a Christian, God gave you spiritual sight and hearing so you could begin experiencing His presence and activity all around you. The Holy Spirit helps you to develop these spiritual senses as you walk with Him. Spiritual sensitivity to God is a gift that must be accepted and exercised. Scripture indicates that those who are spiritually dead cannot see or understand spiritual things (Matt. 13:14-15). Without spiritual eyes, you can be right in the midst of a mighty act of God and not recognize it.
There is a big difference between seeing your surroundings from a human perspective and seeing life through spiritual eyes. Non-Christians see world events around them and become confused. You will look at the same events, recognize the activity of God, and adjust your life to Him. When you meet a person who is seeking God, you will recognize the convicting work of the Holy Spirit and adjust your life to God's activity (Rom. 3:11). Someone without spiritual perception will encounter that same person and not grasp the eternal significance of what is happening in that person's life. Other will hear of new philosophies and trends in society and not know how to discern the truth. You will hear God's voice over the din of the world's voices, and you will keep your bearings in the midst of the confusing circumstances.
Sin dulls your senses, ultimately leaving you spiritually blind and deaf. Do not be content with merely seeing with physical eyes and hearing with natural ears but not sensing what God is doing. Ask God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to sensitize you to His activity around you.

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This devotional is a dead on description of my current life. There have been so many periods or spiritual blindness and deafness in my life and I'm just getting through my most recent one. The biggest challenge of being a Christian is sometimes sticking to it, especially through the hard times. I've been up and down enough now to know when I'm doing it all wrong or when I'm not doing enough. It feels like literally being blind and deaf, I just don't know what's going on and I feel disoriented and lost. That's when my worst depressions set in.
But I know lately I've had my spiritual eyes and ears opened again and it just gets more amazing! To see, hear, and feel what God is doing in my life is truly a breathtaking experience. And when I'm experiencing such intense periods of joy, happiness, and awareness, I always catch myself wondering how I ever let go of this in the first place. It's such a beautiful thing to know what God wants for you without doubts and without confusion or worry. And it's even more beautiful when He puts people in your life to share that with you. =]
I find that God usually puts people in my life for one or all of the following reasons: to help me grow, to help me learn, to humble me, and to show me what HE wants for me. It's very difficult sometimes to always listen to what God wants for us, to always trust that He is leading us the right way. And even when it's not about trust, sometimes we just think we know what He's saying and what He's telling us to do and we dive right in only to find down the road that it was what we were wanting al along, not what He wanted. And then of course we have to step back, throw our hands up and give the reigns back to Him because we know we can never fix it on our own.
And if we don't know that yet, we'll learn it from experience! ;) All in all I'm just glad for the chance to know, love, and understand God with my spiritually given senses. And even more glad to be able to learn from and sometimes help those that he puts into my life.

=]

<3

I know you, who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can't remember.
Do you remember, oh?

I can see, I can still find
You're the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can't hear you now, yeah.

[CHORUS]
I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories, the promises
are yesterdays and I belong to you.
I just can't walk away
'cause after loving you
I can never be the same.

[VERSE 2]
And how can I pretend I've never known you?
Like it was all a dream, no.
I know I'll never forget
the way I always felt with you beside me
and how you loved me then, yeah.

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
You led me here,
then I watched you disappear.
You left this emptiness inside
and I can't turn back time
No, stay!
Nothing compares to you.
Nothing compares to you.
I can't let you go,
Can't let you go.
I can't let go.

I'll never be the same,
not after loving you,
not after loving you, no.

[CHORUS]

I can never be the same.
I will never be the same.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just can't walk away.
No, I can't walk away from you.

Red-"Never Be The Same"

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes I feel too sick to lay next to you, knowing who you are and what you've done.
Sometimes I feel crazy.
Sometimes I want out.
Sometimes I want to be selfish.
Sometimes I want to be angry.
Sometimes I want to be alone....for good.
Sometimes I want to open up.
Sometimes I want to shut you out.
Sometimes I want to touch your heart.
Sometimes I want to crush it in my hands.
Sometimes I want to speak my mind.
Sometimes I want to cower and am ashamed of my thoughts.
Sometimes I want to be free.
Sometimes I'd rather let you lock me away.
Sometimes I want to run.
Sometimes I want to stay in bed forever.
Sometimes I want to look in your eyes and see the truth.
Sometimes I'm too afraid of that truth.
Sometimes I want to know your thoughts.
Sometimes I'm too afraid to even ponder what they'd be.
Sometimes I want to drop it all and run away screaming.
Sometimes I want to stand by your side and fight to the death.
Sometimes I'd rather just walk away and leave you defenseless against your own demons.
Sometimes I want to break you open and learn who you really are.
Sometimes I know that I would only hate that person.
Sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me.
Sometimes I push too far and learn too much.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know at all.
Sometimes I feel that ignorance is bliss.
Sometimes I wish I never knew you at all.
Sometimes I wish I'd never laid eyes on your beautiful face.
Sometimes it kills me to think how beautiful you could be.
Sometimes it hurts even more to realize how beautiful you aren't.
Sometimes I want to let it all go and just be my own person.
Sometimes I'm too afraid to be on my own and be that person.
Sometimes I'm afraid I've made all the wrong decisions.
Sometimes I know I have.
Sometimes my decisions seem like small mistakes leading to a bigger victory.
Sometimes they feel like chains that bind me.
Sometimes I wish for serenity.
Sometimes I wish for courage.
Sometimes I wish for wisdom.
Sometimes I wish you could understand me.
Sometimes I know you never will.
Sometimes I'm glad you don't.
Sometimes my heart aches to hear yours.
Sometimes my soul cries to brush yours.
Sometimes I realize they never will.
Sometimes I feel broken beyond repair.
Sometimes I feel like I can move mountains.
Sometimes I know I could live without you.
Sometimes I know that I never will.
Sometimes it all just seems like too much.
Sometimes I just want to let go.
Sometimes I just want to default back to old habits.
Sometimes there's beauty in that madness.
Sometimes I feel it's better to be numb and scarred.
Sometimes I know I'm wrong.
Sometimes I wish you could be here all the time.
Sometimes I wish we could just be.
Sometimes my mind explodes with a thousand thoughts.
And sometimes I let them all out.